Fire Door

i opened the fire door

to four lips

none of which were mine

kissing

tightened my belt around my hips

where your hands were missing

and stepped out into the cold

collar high

under the slate gray sky

the air was smoking and the streets were dry

and i wasn't joking when i said

good bye

there were magazine quality men talking on the corner

french, no less much less of them then us

so why do i feel like something's been rearranged?

you know, taken out of context i must seem so strange

~*~"Fire Door" Ani DiFranco

So I'm writing again, tonight, because I can, and I want to. I wanted to post a poem I wrote a few days ago. So here's this.

The Saga of a Future Star

Once upon a time
In a land not far away
A maiden chose to go by plane
On a trip for 7 days

She took to the sky on silver wings
A bullet in the blue
'Twas her first trip by herself, alone
But afraid she was not, 'tis true

Hours later she arrived at last
In the city that never sleeps
When she stepped outside and saw the lights
She was quite ready to weep

The maiden stayed with nearby kin
Happy as never before
Fell asleep and dreamt
Of opportunities at her door

On the third day of that pioneer trip
The maiden and aunt took to the town
For the maiden's firs experience
Of opportunities of great reknown

They traveled 'cross George Washington Bridge
On their treck to old Broadway
To begin a life changing experience
Fated for that day

As the show progressed, the maiden watched
In awe, so glad she went
The saddest time was at the end
Of a musical called Rent

Back in her makeshift home
The maiden wrote fown her thought
And told her aunt all of the things
Her gift of the stage had brought

Finally on the seventh day
The time of departure came
Sad to leave, but sure to return
The maiden left, never the same

And evermore since then
The maiden has known in her heart
That she and New York City
Would never be apart.
--1/19/05

added by Kara Bickhem:

In the highest regard
The maiden held this city
Yet with grave concern
The maiden took pity

On a poor teacher
Of the english variety
Who needed her own trip
A bit of the "Bigg Apple" piety

So off into the sunset they rode
Amped for sume fun
Dinner and a show...
1/20/05

So let me know what you think guys... it's always great to hear from you all. Now I'm off, to... I don't know. But no point in going on about nothing.

Love to all cause love is good!

Summer, Highland Falls

They say that these are not the best of times
But they're the only times I've ever known
And I believe there is a time for meditation
In cathedrals of our own
Now, I have seen the sad surrender in my lover's eyes
I can only stand apart and sympathize
For we are always what our situations hand us
It's either sadness or euphoria
~*~"Summer, Highland Falls" Movin' Out

It's been less than 3 days since I've written, and yet things are so different from what they were on Thursday, and at the same time they are all exactly the same. What I can see now that I couldn't see before is that it's all in what I think it is. Nothing is real. I make it what I make it, and that is what it is. So for all of you who are wondering, that is what I have been doing this weekend. So if I have a strange conversation with you in the near future, it's only strange because that's the way you see it - because it's not what you're used to. That's okay. You don't have to get it, if you can just accept it and support me in being me.

What I've done this weekend is take a magic eraser and erase all the things I didn't like about my life. I gained the power to create whatever I want, or rather I became aware of the power that was always there. Some of you may be really skeptical, and I understand that. I get it. All I can say is that this was an amazing experience that I hope you all can have. Come do the Landmark Teen Forum which is what I did this weekend.

I have to recognize Molly and Alonzo for coming today and supporting me and seeing what I've been doing all weekend, instead of going to the movies or being on the phone. Molly got up early enough so that my mom and I could pick her up at 7 this morning and drive her downtown with us. She then spent several hours by herself in a strange building, with nothing to do except whatever she brought. Then they went back home and got Alonzo, where they then hung out at my house (without me there, mind you), not complaining about the wierdness of the situation. They then came back to the building and sat through some boring coaching sesison for parents, because the people there told them to go. But in the end, they were there for me, so that I knew I had their support and love. So thanks guys, for all you put of with today.

Also I want to let you all know that I called and talked to Shannon today - really talked to her - for the first time since she moved away about 2 years ago. Most of you know what a big deal that was for me. I'm reopening and regaining all the relationships I always wanted. I'm creating all these things for myself. And guess what - I'm a Broadway star. I may not be on Broadway, but I am already a Broadway star, because that is what I have chosen to be. And you guys may think that's all bull shit, a bunch of nonsense, that in a week I'll be like, I was crazy, life sucks. Well if I'm saying that, make sure I tell myself that I'm an idiot, because if I feel that way, it's my own fault. That's what I'm making it. And if you don't like my new attitude, up yours. You don't have to. But don't get pissy at me for it. Cause I love you all, and I honestly mean it.

Finally I have to do something I don't do often enough, or really at all. I have to say thank you to my parents and my brother for all that they do for me. I'm not nice to my brother nearly as much as I could be. There's no reason for me to not like him, or be mean to him. I know that now, and it's all going to be better. My parents too put up with all my crap. And for a while now, my mom has been able to really see what I was doing, because she took the forum. The difference now is that so have I, and I too can see what I'm going, and I'm committed to transforming that, taking charge of it. And added on to that - thanks to Nona for kicking this all off, and being one of my other moms. You go girl.

On an extenden family note, I want to thank Leslie, because she's been such a positive impact on my life even though we're 900 miles apart. That's nothing when you've got love (and a hot 41 year old man). So Leslie, thank you for all you've done for me. I always thought it was wierd how we related to eachother so well, with the age difference. But I see now that age is all in your head... I can really get that you helped me through when some times really sucked. And the 2 times I was at your house, for those almost 2 weeks, were 2 of the best weeks of my life. So thank you.

Oh one more thing I want to mention. Then I got to go, because I'm tired, it's late, and I'm getting up early to go exercise tomorrow. Anyway. What I want to say is thank you to all of the people who were in the forum with me. I especially have to thank Nia, Sierra, Jason, Scott, Sabrina, Nikole, Megan, Cody (even you), Joey, Spencer, Jenny and Stephanie, Jerod and Jarret, all of you guys kick major ass. Thanks so much for all of your sharing and for those of you that I named that I talked to, thank you even more. That goes a million times more for Jason and Sierra, who I don't think even know what they did for me. I hope when I get in touch with them again, (and I know I have the means to do that), that I can really get that to them. ::cyber hugs:: hope you guys get that. i know you will.

{And I'd like to thank the Academy... thank you and goodnight. lol}

Okay well you've all had enough for one night, I'm sure. So please please comment, because my new life is all about communication.

Love to all cause love is good! (I finally understand what that means!)

Time of Your Life

Another turning point a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go

So make the best of this test and don't ask why

It's not a question but a lesson learned in time



It's something unpredictable

But in the end is right

I hope you had the time of your life



So take the photographs and still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial

For what it's worth it was worth all the while



It's something unpredictable

But in the end is right

I hope you had the time of your life

~*~"Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" Green Day



Anyone in my English class is probably not surprised to see that song posted

 today... Anyway. I don't really have too much to say.

Today was a long day it seemed, but after school I had drama and that was

 fun as always. Then I went and worked out with my mom at Curves, and came

 home and ate. But who wants to hear about what I did today? Not even me! So

on to bigger and better things I suppose.



Anyway. So I've been thinking.(I know - *gasp*) Seriously. I've been thinking...

Well lots of things. And now that I'm going to talk about them, I don't

remember what I was going to say. So I'll just go grab some poetry and call

it a night.



In Reverse

Staring out my window

See people walking down my street

Wonder why they're here

Cause there's nothing here to see

Except people staring out their windows

And people walking down the street

While the window-people wonder

Just where they want to be

And they think:

~~~CHORUS

Anywhere but here would be

Just fine with me

Is there anywhere else I can go

What are other people doing

Outside my tiny world

I hate not knowing what I don't know

~~~

Rushing through the streets of lights

No time to stop and look around

Always running, always tired

From every sight and every sound

Those people running everywhere

All with too much to do

Each of them looking at someone else

Saying "It must suck to be you"

And they think:

Chorus

Everyone going somewhere else

No one where they want to be

Trapped in a life they don't like

Destined never to be free

And they think:

Chorus

And I think:

I am blessed

Knowing where I want to go

Not being where I want to be

But someday performing in a show

Living out the life I want

Somehow the lucky one

Knowing I have worked for this

When each day is done.

--1/12/04



So that's my song for y'all tonight. Lemme know what you think, please.

 (And don't steal it... **lol Jordan.*** anywho) Oh so I remembered what

 I was thinking about



I was thinking about people... They're so hard to figure out. The other day

 in crafts Jordan was telling me about a theory she and Alex had thought

up. I think it's quite interesting, and I think I agree. People are puzzles, and

each time you meet a person you get a new puzzle. Somtimes you never

open the box, just keep it around and then donate it to a charity after a

while (well, we do in my family). Other times there are people you want to

keep, and so you start putting their puzzle pieces together, to figure out

what the picture looks like. Some people are nice little 100 piece puzzles,

 others 500, some 1000, and some even 5000. Each person is different and

 it takes time to put the puzzle pieces together, and even longer to connect

 those little bits to the outside edges (because you always do the border first)

. I've found that I have some friends (or at least I think) and they are all like

 puzzles. Some I've got put together pretty well. Others, I had almost done,

 but then I blinked and in the meantime someone scrambled up all the

pieces again. And then there's the people I'm just starting to put together...

 I know, it's all very confusing. But if we look back, I think that's how I

started this out in the first place. The thing is, if people ask me how my

 relationships are with other people, I really just don't know what to tell

them. I never seem to actually know what's going on  in my relationships

 with people. No one calls just to talk to me, (except Lonzo - luv ya babe!)

. I always feel  like an after thought... I don't know. That's just the way it is

 I guess. So I don't let it get to me. Well I guess it must have, if I spent this

 long writing about it. Oh well. Comment, let me know your thoughts.



Love to all cause love is good! (oh so good... you have no idea. ;) )

Breathe

Breathe, breathe in the air
Don't be afraid to care
Leave but don't leave me
Look around and choose your own ground
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears yo'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be
~*~"Breathe" Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon

Post 86! I know, exciting, isn't it? Sure. Just go with it. Anyway. So once again, I am binding myself by a tv show. I somehow let myself get caught up in Battle of the Sexes 2 on MTV... I tell you that station is no good for me. And the second to last episode is on tonight so I have to go in a few minutes to see it. But in the meantime, let me throw out a few poems I wrote last night.

Pinhole View
My confusion
Of my own creation
Leaves me unable to see
Outside a tiny peek
From that extracted of the
So-called real world
But real is a relative term
That bends to fit anyone's needs
And therefore I allow you
To create your own outlook
Keep in mind you get just one.
And now your fate awaits you.
--1/16/05

Polarity
The light turns dark
I turn depressed
The dark turns light
I turn a blind eye to pessimism
The day turns to night
I turn to life and jump in head first
The night turns to day
I turn faded and silent
The screams turn to a whisper
I turn to an echo of a story long forgotten
The whisper turns to a scream
I turn to a burning memory emblazed on the sky of stars.
--1/16/05

Adaptation
I felt in the darkness
A presence next to me
PErhaps a figment of my imagination
Not relevant in any world but mine
Though it matters not
For people in such a world as theirs
Leave me lonely and wanting
More
Something I am sure to never have
And in this night
I leave you lonely
To be me and only me
For now and evermore.
--1/16/05

And that is all for now, my dear friends. But you know my name and number, and I'm always up for a chat. Oh one exciting thing though... My dad got me a Queer Eye calendar! Yay! I needed a calendar. And that was the one I wanted anyway. So I'm happy. Hah. Pathetic.

Love to all cause love is good!

The Show Must Go On

ZIDLER
Another hero
Another mindless crime
Behind the curtain
In the pantomime

On and on
Does anbody know
What we are living for
Whatever happened
We leave it all to chance
Another heartache,
Another failed romance

On and on
Does anybody know
What we are living for
The show must go on
The show must go on

Outside the dawn is breaking
On the stage that will
Control our final destiny
The show must go on
The show must go on

SATINE
Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

ZIDLER, SATINE, & CHORUS
The show must go on
The show must go on

SATINE
I'll top the bill
I'll earn the kill
I have to find the will to carry on

ALL
On with the
On with the
On with the show
~*~"On With the Show" Moulin Rouge

Hey hey everybody. I was gonna post some poetry, but Will and Grace is on. So hold on a moment. I'll be back at commercial.

Okay so anyway. Not a lot of time so let me get to the poetry.

Economic
Here is what we live in
A world of no return
Money is popularity
We measure destruction in dollars
More valuable than human lives
Se we send out our death armies
Who futily fight for good
To only kill and in turn
Be killed
A war, costing millions of dollars
But what is the cost
Of one fatal gunshot?
The measure of a life
--1/11/05

All I have time for now, actually. I have to go make dinner. More later though, after my chiropractor's appointment. What fun.

Love to all cause love is good!

Finale B

WOMEN
I can't control
My destiny
I trusy my soul
My only goal
Is just to be

Without you
The hand gropes
The ear hears
The pulse beats
Lofe goes on
But I'm gone
Cause I die without you
I die without you
I die without you
I die without you

MEN (simultaneously)
Will I lose my dignity
Will someone
Care
Will I wake tomorrow
From this
Nightmare

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear

No other path
No other way
No day
But today

No day but today

ALL
No day but today
~*~"Finale B" RENT

And so we conclude, my fine ladies and gentlemen, in a quite fitting manner.

Um, don't ask. I'm in a very odd state right now. Feeling kind of shitty, actually. Johnny and the rest of Finding Neverland got gipped at the Golden Globes tonight. So did Will and Grace. So the night was rather a bore and a big disappointment. Only highligts: seeing Johnny, Kate Winslet, Debra Messing, Eric Macormick, Charlize Theron, and Nicole Kidman (though she had terrible hair... like she was wearing an old lady wig from... well she's never been an old lady. I don't know. Maybe from what's that movie... the one where she had the fake nose. White Oleander maybe. but anywho. I digress)

Well, not much to say really. Did have a good time at lunch today with Bev and Alice. We went to a place in Homewood called Eat Rice. It was good stuff. Then we went back to their house and watched this movie called Defending Your Life. More good stuff. I liked it a lot. I had never heard of Arthur Brooks before, but he's a cool guy.

Anywho. I would post poems, but once again they are all the way up in my room. Oh and btw - that e-mail address up there doesn't work. Don't try it. Sorry.

So now that you're all confused, I think I'll leave you all to contemplate the meaningful meaning of what I just said. In the meantime, I will write some poems and watch a Johnny Depp movie. I bid you adeiu.

Love to all cause love is good!

Your Eyes

ROGER
Your eyes...
As we said our goodbyes
Can't get them out of my mind
And I find
I can't hide (from)

Your eyes
The ones that took me by surprise
The night you came into my life
Where there's moonlight I see
Your eyes

How'd I let you slip away
When I'm longing so to hold you?
Now I'd die for one more day
Cause there's something I should have told you
Yes there's something I should have told you
When I looked into

Your eyes
Why does distance make us wise?
You were the song all along
And before the song dies

I should tell you
I should tell you
I have always loved you
You can see it in
My eyes
~*~"Your Eyes" RENT

One more guys! I know you're all ready to be done with these songs. Much as I love them, I want to be able to use other stuff. There's some kick ass songs that deserve a place at the beginning of a post.

Anywho. I know I haven't posted in a while so this is just a big hello to everyone out there who's had nothing to read since whenever the last time I posted was. I'm in the midst of a 5 day weeked, which is awesome, except that now we have an extra day of school at the end of the year to make up for Thursday, when we had a sewer problem.

In the meantime, I've been reading for English, watching movies *wink wink* (Johnny *faint*), watching Queer Eye (Jai *faint*), and going to Curves with my mom. Today my dad's friend Cliff came over and helped us fix our very messed up bathroom floor (details of which I won't get into other than to say there were moldy floorboards from a leeky toilet). Tomorrow my mom and I are going out to lunch with Alice and her mom, and then we're going to watch movies at their house. It will be good fun.

Other things to talk about! Nia spent last weekend at our house. It was good to see her again and just hang out for a few days. We watched a couple scary movies. Well, one actually, Carrie, and then Blair Witch Project 2. That movie was just stupid. Carrie, on the other hand, had a freaky Jesus statue that will haunt me until I die. That movie was cuh-ray-zee. Seriously though. We watched it at about 10 at night, alone in the dark, while my parents were out and my brother was sleeping. Just the right ambiance to get really freaked out.
Last Sunday was the People's Choice Awards, and tre magnifique, Johnny won for favorite actor. Woot! He was there to accept the award, but he did a live via satellite thingy. He doesn't like talking in public anyhow, so I'm sure that was much more convenient.
Then on Monday was the Critic's Choice Awards, where Finding Neverland had 7 nominations. (woot woot!) It won 2, for best young actor (Freddie Highmore - Peter Davies) and for best family film. In addition it was nominated for best actor (Johnny), best supporting actress (Kate Winslet *faint*), best firector (Mark Forester), best screenwriter (can't remember his name. but I met him in New York), and *gasp* for BEST FILM. That was quite an exciting night.
Wednesday I went over to Forest Trail to see all my old teachers cause we had an early realease. That was good fun. I gotta say, I don't miss the school, but I do miss my teachers. Mrs. Brennan's 50th is coming up, and I'll have to do something special for her.

But anyway. I think I've said enough for now. Next time I post, I may remember to grab some poetry for you all to read. Maybe.

Love to all cause love is good!

Finale

COLLINS
I had a little hunch
You could use
A little flow

ROGER
Tutoring again?

COLLINS
Negative

MARK
Back at NYU?

COLLINS
No, no, no
I rewired the ATM at the fool
Emporium
To provide an honorarium to anyone
With the code

ROGER & MARK
The code...
Well...?

COLLINS
A-N-G-E-L
~*~"Finale" RENT

How ironic to start the new year with a finale. Somehow seems fitting, actually. Only 2 more songs though, guys. I promise.

Just wanted to say hi. Don't have time to post... need to go do stuff. But life has been good lately. Can't wait to start drama on thursday and get back to ITC. Haven't been there since Frog and Toad closed on December 19th! OMG such a long time!

Love to all cause love is good!