Tune Up #1

MARK
December 24th, nine pm
Eastern Standard time
Frome here on it
I shoot without a script

See if anything comes of it
Instead of my old shit

First shot - Roger
Tuning the fender guitar
He hasn't played in a year

ROGER
This won't tune

MARK
So we hear
He's just coming back
From half a year of withdrawal

ROGER
Are you talking to me?

MARK
Not at all

Are you ready? Hold that focus -
Steady
Tell the folks at home what you're doing Roger ...

ROGER
I'm writing one great song --

MARK
The phone rings

ROGER
Saved!

MARK
We screen
Zoom in on the answering machine!
~*~"Tune Up #1" RENT

So those thingys are going to be my fave lines from the songs, in order. The short ones I'll type the whole thing and then be done with them. If they're long songs, I'll type a fave. verse or something and then add the whole song at a later time.

I've been so busy lately it's not even funny. Wednesday was the craziest day, and then yesterday I was all over the place. Didn't sleep much this week. Been living on energy drinks. That's gotta be great for me, I'm sure.

Well I have wonderful news. I went to the orthodontist, and he wrote a note for my dentist to pull one of my front theeth on bottom. As soon as that's done and I have a lovely big space in my teeth, they'll put braces on and start pulling my bottom teeth together. But it's gonna hurt alot, and I'll gonna look like an idiot. YAY! Aren't we all happy for me?

Okay so before I get to my songs for the night, I have a poem for you all. Although if people don't start posting comments, I'm going to shoot you all! No. I just won't post them anymore. And for those of you that don't have blogs of your own, I accept anonymous comments, so you can all post. No excuses! This poem is based on the song 'Halloween' from RENT. (what else?) Oh yeah - it's got bits of 'Your Eyes' in it too.

Cutting Room Floor (Of Memory)
I can't remember entire years
When I laughed
But I remember years ago
All my anguished cries
Those happy days lie on the cutting room floor
Of memory
Except for the day of surprise - when I saw
Your eyes
Forgotten days of my old best friend
When we danced
But I remember when we fought
I was betrayed
Those happy days lay forgotten on the cutting room floor
Of memory
And I remembered the day
I met your gaze
Tell me - tell me please
What will happen when you're gone
Tell me now what I need to do then
When I'm alone
Why am I the witness
And now I'm the victim
Save me - save me please
Before I'm on my own.
--8/25/04

So let me know what you think. Now on to other interesting matters.
Now for some kick ass music. You should all listen to it, but for now just read. I chose to do Goodbye Love another time. Anyway.

Your Eyes
ROGER
Your eyes
As we said our goodbyes
Can't get them out of my mind
And I find I can't hide (from)

Your eyes
The ones that took me by surprise
The night you came into my life
Where there's moonlight
I see your eyes

How's I let you slip away
When I'm longing so to hold you
Now I'd die for one more day
Cause there's something I should have told you

When I looked into your eyes
Why does distance make us wise
You were the song all along
And before the song dies

I should tell you I should tell you
I have always loved you
You can see it in my eyes


Life Support
STEVE
Steve.

ALI
Ali.

PAM
Pam.

SUE
Sue.

ANGEL
Hi. I'm Angel

COLLINS
Tom. Collins

PAUL
I'm Paul. Let's begin.

ALL
There's only us
There's only this --

MARK
Oh sorry, excuse me, oops

PAUL
And you are...?

MARK
Oh - I'm not -
I'm just here to -
I don't have -
I'm here with -
Mark - Mark - I'm Mark

Well this is quite an operation

PAUL
Sit down, Mark
We'll continue the affirmation

ALL
Forget regret or life is yours to miss

GORDON
Excuse me Paul - I'm having a problem with this
This credo -
My T-Cells are low -
I regret that news, okay?

PAUL
Alright
But Gordon, how do you feel today?

GORDON
Okay

PAUL
Is that all?

GORDON
Best I've felt all year

PAUL
Then why choose fear?

GORDON
I'm a New Yorker.
Fear is my life.

Look - I find some of what you teach suspect
Because I'm used to relying on intellect
But I try to open up to what I don't know

GORDON & ROGER
Because reason says I should have died
3 years ago

ALL
No other road
No other way
No day but today

I'll type more in another entry, but I'm gonna rest my fingers for a minutes and give you guys a chance to catch up. (I used lots of colors!)

Contact

Take me
Take me
Today for you
Tomorrow for me
Today me
Tomorrow you
Tomorrow you
Love
You
Love you
Love I love
You I love
You!
Take me
Take me
I love you
~*~ "Contact" RENT

That's a very small part of that song, but it's the only part that can really be put on here... *eyes shifting left to right* Molly knows what I'm talking about. She read the lyrics today while I was at her house. I went to ITC for a while - my brother had an audition for a play (I've been coaching him for the last couple weeks.) - and talked to Etel, who I actually hadn't seen in a month or so. Which was a record, since I'm normally at ITC at least once a week. But anyway. After that, I got home to find no one was at my house. My mom and brother were at the pool, and they still had my bag with them, so I couldn't do my homework, and they had my pool bag with my pass, so I couldn't get into the pool, so I called Molly and went over there for a couple hours. I burned the Rent soundtrack. But I've decided that since the burn is a piece of shit I still have to buy my own copy.

I'm hopefully going over there tomorrow after school so that we can watch all the Queer Eye episodes I Tivo'd. lol. I'm just using Molly for her electronics... jk. hmh.

Okay so I've picked a few more songs to post... Somed day I'll type up the synopsis for you all. I've just got a lot of homework... actually, I still have a load I should be doing right now. lol. I will. Later. So here's some kick ass music for you.

One Song Glory
(Roger)
I'm writing one great song before I...

One song
Glory
One song
Before I go
Glory
One song to leave behind

Find one song
One last refrain
Glory
From the pretty boy front man
Who wasted opportunity

One song
He had the world at his feet
Glory
In the eyes of a young girl
A young girl
A young girl
Find glory
Beyond the cheap colored lights

One song
Before the sun sets
Glory - on another empty life
Time flies - time dies
Glory - one blaze of glory
One blaze of glory - glory
Find
Glory
In a song that rings true
Truth like a blazing fire
An eternal flame

Find
One song
A song about love
Before the virus takes hold
Glory
Like a sunset
One song
To redeem this empty life

Time flies
And then - no need to endure anymore
Time dies

Damn. I was gonna post more, but I have to go. My mom will be home any minute, and I still have a shitload of homework to do. Reminder to self: "Goodbye Love" tomorrow. *danced away to 'Today 4 u' on the Rent cd*

Will I?

Will I lose my dignity
Will someone care
Will I wake tomorrow
From this nightmare?
~*~ RENT "Will I?"

I'm going to post a million songs from Rent over the next week or so. On Thursday I went to the library to pick up some stuff I had requested online from other libraries. I got the Rent soundtrack and the libretto. It's an interesting book with all the nerdy behind the scenes stuff that i obsess over. What can I say? That's what I want to do... perform. Well I haven't posted since Wednesday, so I'll get to work. I have so much to type!

Thursday got pissed of at my friend because I was supposed to come over after she did her homework, but then her homework was hard, so she decided to take a break, and not let me know I couldn't come over. That was a ridiculously long sentence. Hmh.

So I wrote poetry.

Friday my dad left for Florida to see his mom. Tuesday's her 80th, and there was a luncheon on Saturday. My mom had to drive him to the airport and my brother went to a friend's house, so I was home alone for 4 hours. I had so much fun. I put my Rent CD in the DVD player and turned on the speakers loud enough so I could hear it anywhere in the house. Then I just danced. I danced like there was no tomorrow. Pretty much for 4 hours straight. I didn't think about anything, I just threw myself into the music and acted completely... free. I just did whatever I felt like, not worrying if anyone would see me, because they wouldn't. I spun around in circles until I fell down, and I jumped on furniture and sung as lound as I could even though I can't sing. It was the greatest time I'd had at home in a long time.

Saturday my mom had her breakfast bee - 3 of her friends come over and they sew. I got to spend 3 hours watching Gabbi, a 4 year old, for no pay, to keep her out of their hair. Gabbi's adorable, but I can only stand so many "mosquito bites" (poking me over and over again). Then after that I went to a fabric store with them to get more fabric for my quilt. I hung out at home for a few hours, and then I babysat Brianna, my youth group leader's daughter, from about 7 to past midnight. That was pretty fun actually. I like Brianna. She's a cool kid. But I got really tired, so I was glad when she left and I could go to sleep.

Today I slept in until about 10, and then did yoga while my brother was sleeping and my mom was at church. I much prefer doing yoga when no one is home, because it's quieter. (I did yoga during my 4 hours on Friday). I've been doing yoga every day pretty much. I think it's helping me feel better. Although that could also be because of the Rent CD. I love that thing. But I digress. Went to FT today to see the new wing that my brother gets. It's not fucking fair. It's so nice. Sam's always the one getting the new stuff... But I did get to see Skocz, so that was cool. Earlier this evening, my mom, Sam, and I went and played tennis for a while, because my mom wanted us to get out of the house for a while. It was actually kind of fun.

Anyway. So now you're all caught up. I'm going to post all the poems I've been writing, plus a Rent song or two. Maybe tonight I'll just give you the synopsis and start songs tomorrow. We'll see.

Fallin Asleep
Tonight I'm fallin asleep to the sound of the rain
And tomorrow will be a new day
Maybe that will be the day

Tonight I'm fallin asleep to the mem'ry of you
I'm thinkin of all the things you've said
Maybe tomorrow you'll hold me forever

Tonight I'm fallin asleep wond'rin where I'll be
This time next week
Maybe something will have changed

Tonight I'm fallin asleep wond'rin what it is you think I truly am
Cause things are not always what they seem
Maybe tomorrow you'll know the truth
--8/18/04

Drive - By
Listening to the music
Dancing in my room
Alone in my room
On stage in front of thousands

My hair in my face
Not thinking about anything
Having fun like there's no tomorrow
Every day of the future

Shedding all insecurities
Can't remember when I felt this good before
Free of thoughts and worries
Completely trapped in my head
--8/19/04

Flashes
Can't help but dance
Gotta get up and dance
The music in my blood
Says don't think
Just go crazy

Don't know what I'm doing
But it's tons of fun
Who know when I'll stand to stop

One more time
Play it agian
I just can't get enough of
Anything anymore

One song
One song
That's all it takes

One song
One song
To stop my heart from breaking
--8/19/04

Working 24/7: Futile
Why is it always me doing all the work?
You never thing of anyhting
Except yourself

I'm always the one playing contact
Friendship shouldn't be so much work
For just me

Who told you that this is how it works?
That you never have to tell me
Anything

What makes you think that I will sit around at home
Whaiting for you to call
Not me

I make the plans and then you go back on your word
All you have to do is follow through but it's too much
Work for you
--8/20/04

Okay I don't have time to explain the story of Rent tonight, because I have to be offline in 15 minutes, so I'm just going to post one song right now. To let you know - this song takes place during a memorial service, and I wanted to post it because it made me cry today, and I was feeling pretty depressed. Not that I want you all to feel depressed. But anyway.

I'll Cover You (Reprise)
Live in my house
I'll be your shelter
Just pay me back with 1000 kisses
Be my lover
And I'll cover you

Open your door - I'll be your tenant
Don't got much bagage
To lay at your feet
But sweet kisses I've got to spare
I'll be there - I'll cover you

I think they meant it
When they said you can't buy love
Now I know you can rent it
A new lease you were, my love, on life

All my life
I've longed to discover
Something as true
As this is

(So with a thousand sweet kisses I'll cover you)
If you're cold and you're lonely
(With a thousand sweet kisses I'll cover you)
You've got one nickel only
(With a thousand sweet kisses I'll cover you)
When you're worn out and tired
(With a thousand sweet kisses I'll cover you)
When your heart has expired

525, 600 minutes
525,600 moments so dear
525,600 - measure a year
Oh lover, I'll cover you
Oh lover, I'll cover you
Oh lover

I'll cover you

525,600 minutes
525, 600 seasons of love

I'll cover you

That reprise is kind of a mix of a few songs, but I like it alot. You'll get to see each of them seperately too. Lots of comments please! I really want to know what you all think about my poems and the song. Even if you don't comment on that (grrr) just let me know you're reading. *Dances away, listening to 'Tango: Maureen' from RENT on her CD player*

Sacrafice Theory

Hear one thousand screams. Hear one thousand voices.
A solitary echo.
Feel one thousand pains, but one is receiving a bloody invitation.
Do you want to feel the warmth? To taste the life flow?
Feel one thousand lost sinking into soft skin.
Ingest rejuvenation. One to consume, one to renew.
Demanded invitation.
I offer grace, I offer blood. I offer everything till my heart is crystal clear.
Do you want to feel the warmth? To taste the life?
I want to taste the life to taste the life flow.
~*~AFI " Sacrafice Theory"

That was the song I wanted to post yesterday, but then I got kicked of by my dad. So I shall discuss today that which was meant for yesterday. Perhaps this shall reveal itsef as a mistake. But I must proceed as otherwise known.

Reflecting on sacrafices. We all sacrafice things for people, and sometimes without knowing it, for ourselves, in order to make ourselves more. Sometimes we sacrafice who we are, to be something else that we are not, at first. This may be just a false pretense in the face of society, or it may truly be a change. I know that personally, there is one part of me that hardly anyone know about. It has never ever surfaced yet, except in a dream, but it is lurking there, in my soul, and it is spreading it's virus throughout everything in my being. Perhaps I should not refer to it as a virus though, because it is not a bad thing. It is just something that is hard to come to terms with. I must try to be more open and gain support from my friends.

But who are friends really? When do you know that someone will honestly be around for you? How do you tell that your best friend is someone else that you don't even know anymore? My first best friend died when I was 12. Then I met someone else, and I didn't know her at all, but she reminded me so much of what I had lost that I didn't want to let go. And now I face the fact that I sacraficed her in place of growing up. I never meant to... And now I feel like it's my fault...

I am sacraficing who I am to try and have some friends who will respect me, or rather, someone who is almost me. I know there are people who cannot accept who I truly am. I feel greatly sorrowful about this, but I cannot change myself. I won't sacrafice my free spirit for a tied down body who is friends with lots of other bodies. If everyone was accepted as themselves, the world would be a better place. But morals, politics, religion, and other values rip that away. I can't tell you all the things I know and all the things I hope for. But I can tell you there is so much more...

I've lost so much now, that I regret everyday, and gained things that in the end I realize weren't worth it at all. What can I do to change that? I am powerless, except over myself. And I will not change that. But please, I want to be who I am. And I want you all to know who I am and accept it. Because I don't like hiding in the shadows, playing with fire to light the dark.

The Lost Souls

If you can't stand upon the water I will see you on the ocean floor.
When you blink do you only find the misery between the lines?
Then take my hand and walk with me.
Come to me, your sanctuary, I'll gladly accept the gift that I've been granted.
If you feel fine, then give it just a little time I'm sure you'll contract my disease.
Look what you've done to me now, you've made me perfect.
If you can't stand upon the earth then I will meet you on the other side.
When you blink do you only find the misery weighs down your eyes?
Then take my hand and sleep with me. Take my hand I'll be everything to you.
Take my hand I'll take everything from you. I will seep under your skin.
I will. I will hold onto your heart. I will.
~*~ AFI "The Lost Souls"

Had a full day today. Got out of school at 3:10, caught a ride with Molly, and decided not to go home, because there were going to be 5 little boys at my house. So instead I went along with Molly to her ortho appointment. We worked on our homework in the car, and then I finished all my stuff while she had her appointment.I had like an hour and a half of homework. BLAH. Bio and English.

After I got home I ate dinner (it was almost 6:30). I did yoga. Abs yoga, to be specific, and it was alot of work for a 20 minute session. Ab stuff is always intense. But oh well. Yoga is a good thing that shall make me calm and strong in body, mind, and spirit. If you ever want to join me, just let me know.

I have some interesting things to talk about, but they pertain to another song. So I'm going to post it seperately. You will have a treat and get two songs in one day.

Fade In-Out

Get on the rollercoaster
The fair's in town today
Y'gotta be bad-enough to beat the brave

So get on the helter skelter
Bowl into the fray
Y'gotta be bad-enough to beat the brave

You fade in-out
You fade in-out
Without a doubt
I don't see no shine
Today is just a daydream
Tomorrow we'll be castaway
~*~Oasis "Fade In-Out"

So I had school today. That was just oh-so exciting. Well actually, it was good to see people again. Alonzo I love you! Anyway though. School was okay. My teachers seem interesting, though I don't like bio. Music theatre is really cool. Dornick is awesome and I know already I'll love the class. The first thing we're studying is La Bohem, for our Opera unit. Now, I dont' like opera, but Rent is based on La Bohem so it will be awesome. After that we're studying Rent itself, I think. Woot Woot.

Hey and good news, I just booked another flight to New York! YAY! So I'll get to see Finding Neverland about 2 months early, because they're pushing the release date to Thanksgiving. Hahahahaha! (*singsong voice*)

Okay well now I should probably go to bed. So I'll write again tomorrow about all my exploits after school today, as well and all the things I already know I have planned for tomororw. WOOSH! (in a fluttering way. right.)

Ohm

So I start school in less than 12 hours. Isn't that wonderful?

As for right now, I'm just doing a quick e-mail check and writing something. Aslo talking to Chi and Sarah. Chi hasn't registered yet, so I don't know her classes, but Sarah and I are comparing schedules. It looks like we have geometry and english together. Speaking of which, Molly got her schedule changed and not only does she not have any classes with me, but she has the worst schedule I have ever heard of. As of right now, she has a double social studies period, and later in the day she has more social studies. Then in second semester she gets to have both gym and health. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But I wouldn't wish all honors classes on anyone either, and that's what I got. Yay.

Turns out Becca is never walking to or from school, so maybe I'll mooch rides off her on the way home. I may end up walking some days in the morning though, and that will suck. The walk to Rich East is kind of long. We'll see. I don't wanna walk.

Shit I realized I didn't do my yoga today. I'm gonna go do that now... *flutter* hah. like i'm the fluttering type.

Love Is Good

We came tonight together
The stars have never shone so bright
This is the way it should be
One night for you, you for me
All through the night
~*~ Jai Rodriguez "Love is Good"

I think that's beautiful... I have all the lyrics and I'll probably quote more up here. That's a good start though. There's Oasis lyrics I want to use too. Anyway.

I wrote another poem the other day and I decided I would share it. I never know how obvious my work is, because to me everything seems to scream meaning. But that's because I wrote it. So just let me know what you think.

Spotlight: Reflection
525,600 minutes
525,600 moments that last
Now another year has gone by
Forever in the past

Can't remember the last time I smiled
The way I smile when I look at you
So fill am I with passion
That I don't know what I'll do

I forever choose the impossible
This is no exception to my dream
And to think it all started
Because I heard you scream

I see you and I'm happy
You're a searchlight in the black
I'm coming out of the shadows
And I hope I'm never going back
--8/12/04

That's all I have to share right now. Just the one, but I want to know what you think. Seriously.

Onto other things though. Like the fact that I start school tomorrow. Which is crazy. It's only the middle of August. (Exactly, actually. Today and tomorrow are the exact middle.) Nobody else is starting this early. I vote for a protest!

But on a better note, it is looking like I will most certainly be going to New York in September, missing 3 days of school in the process. That is lovely. If I'm really lucky, I'll get to catch another Broadway show while I'm there.

Pretty soon we're leaving to go downtown for the afternoon and check out Millenium Park. It's a nice day, so I guess that's good. I'd rather stay home though and go for a walk by myself.

I've started doing yoga, for a couple of reasons. I figured it would strengthen my muscles, increase my flexibilty for dance, and keep me in the good state of mind I'm in right now. (Yeah. It's been just over a week now, and I'm still on a high from seeing Rent.) So far it's pretty good. I found 5 tapes and a DVD that overall break up into 7 20 or 30 minute workouts that I can do, once each day of the week. Ohm.

Alrighty well I'm out for now. Want to finish writing something before we head off. WOOSH! No wait. That is not peaceful. I am a soaring butterfly on the wings of a gentle wind... *flutter* I am away.

Don't Go Away

I don't wanna be there when you're...
Coming down
I don't wanna be there when you hit the ground

So don't go away, say what you say
Say that you'll stay... Forever and a day
Cause I need more time, yes I need more time just to make things right
~*~Oasis "Don't Go Away"

I've just discovered Oasis this last week. Leslie introduced me to them. The song before 'Fade Out' has Johnny playing slide guitar. It's a cool song, like Fade Out. I'm on the lookout for the Cd 'Be Here Now'. If you see it, I will love you forever if you get it for me. I'll even pay you back. But onward, not that I'm done begging.

Right now I'm listening to "Love is Good" by Jai. It's a very cool song. (And no, it's not my usual heavy metal. It's acutally kind of pop rock. Which I usually hate.) I'm now going to buy his cd too. If you want to check out what I'm hearing, go to http://www.arriveateleven.com and once it's loaded, click the 4 on the clock (you'll see what I'm talking about.) You can either a.) listen to the Love is Good chorus over and over again b.) listen to clips of 3 singles by clicking music, or c.) listen to the whole song Love is Good by clicking the click here link at the bottom of the page, which will take you to where you can buy his album and preview his single.

Okay well I'm back now, out of my dream, the best week of my life. To the rude awakening of school in 5 days. What the fuck? Who starts school in the middle of August. I do. I should take one of those tickets that say "Admit one: Crazyworld" and staple it to my forhead. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's a thing against drugs and a long story indeed for another day.)

Anyway. I'm not going to write my summer away. But I am going to post some poems I wrote on my trip.

Rent
I see you very clearly
But only flahses in my mind
Like a stuttering video

I still can't believe
You were really so close
Yet so far away

I will never forget that moment
When you looked into my eyes
Nearly causing my to faint

I never knew I could feel this way
Or that this could really happen.
That dreams can really come true.
--8/7/04

Rent Part II
No curtain to draw back
No introductions to make
The lights dim and it begins
I'm sitting here, watching
Famous people I've seen on TV!
But still here I am, no more than 20 feet away
This can't be happening
I can't tear my eyes away
How could I let myself miss anything
It's all too amazing
My adreneline running more than ever before
Than you for being my first
For the best expierence of my life
You're got your hold on me
Please no - don't die - I'm crying
I never knew your talent
Though I loved you just the same
Now I adore you even more
Thank you
--8/7/04

Eccentricity
I love your personality
I love your eyes and your smile
I love who you are
I want you around for a while

I love your attitude
I love that you do it your way
I love your sensitivity
I want you to never go away

I love your mistique
I love the way you hold your ground
I love your passion
I want you to stay around

I love your talent and your craft
I love the expressions on your face
I love your free spirit
I want you to never leave this place
--8/7/04

Crystal
When was it you realized
When did you first see
The same thing that I now know
Is happening to me

The way you have inspired me I never could have known
Everything I've watched
And everything you've shown

[Certain name I will not insert] thank you for everything
You never knew you ddi
I think I may discard the mask
Behind which I once hid
--8/9/04

525,600 Minutes
525,600 minutes of a year
That's how often I think about it
All the time

525,600 minutes
How much time I spend living a lie
All the time

525,600 minutes
How long I live in fear
All the time

525,600 minutes
When I wish I could be me
All the time

525,600 minutes
When you are honestly you
All the time
--8/10/04

Some of them are not that great. The first 2 are obviously about the play and seeing Jai. (Do you all see the beginning symptoms of obsession?) If you don't know whta the 3rd one is, I don't know why you're my friend, because you're either stupid or don't know me. And I'm not going to make a comment on the last 2. Though I will say I wrote the last one today on the plane.

That's all for now. More when there's more.

Remedy

It's all so crazy... Insane.
Finally something taking away all the pain

So I haven't posted in about a week. Well after I tell you all that I've been up to, you won't blame me. Well, maybe you'll say this was more important. But I don't give a damn because I've been having the time of my life. This has been the best week ever. (I should write to VH1 and tell them their show lies!)

Okay well you all know I'm in New York. So I've been trying to enjoy this to the fullest. And I think I have been. I don't know how much better this could have gotten.

The majority of my time has been spent watching Johnny Depp movies. Like there's anything wrong with that. Today we've only watched Pirates so far. We still have to see Once Upon a Time in Mexico and Secret Window, and then we will be finished and made it though all his movies in 5 days. Hahahaha.

Don't get me wrong. This isn't all I've been doing. I promise. Wednesday night Leslie and I played monopoly with my cousins. Thursday all 5 of us played poker. Friday we watched alot of movies and were up late, so no game. But we went swimming in their pool in the afternoon. Saturday was the best day ever, so that I'll talk about seperately. Sunday we watched more movies and went to some Italian place for dinner to celebrate my grandma's 80th birthday, where we met my Grandma (who was in from Florida) and my aunt Claire and uncle Al. That was nice I suppose. Not exciting, but okay.

And I've talked about today. So now I get to tell you about the highlight of my trip, which was Saturday. (Yes I know some of you are falling over in your chairs at hearing all the Johnny wasn't the highlight. Well it was, to a degree, but aside from all that. Anyway.)

I went to my first Broadway show. Leslie and I chose to see "Rent". We had been having a hard time deciding what to go see, and then one night Leslie said "well for the next 2 weeks Jai Rodriguez from' Queer Eye' is going to be in 'Rent'," which immediately scored a million points with me. So that was what we went to see. And Jai was awesome. And after the show we went to the side door and I saw him about 2 feet away from me and I got his autograph. Hahahahahaha I'm delerious with disbelief. I was shaking because I was so excited. I'm still in shock from star struckness. (Making up words!!!) You guys have no idea what a huge thing this was for me. I still can't stop thinking about it. The only thing that takes my mind away is Johnny movies. But the rest of the time that's all I can think about. I'm sure that's all I'll think of all the way home on the plane tomorrow. I mean, it was so surreal for me...

Okay well I'll gush to myself now. I just had to get that out there... It's been swimming in my mind since Saturday.

Can you guys tell I haven't been depressed just about this whole time? I'm afraid of what will happen when I come back home...

Nights of Mutiny

I'm so tired. I've not been sleeping well and tonight I'm up late to finish packing. (I know, with all the counting down I've been doing, you'd think I would have packed a week ago. But not.)

Actually, I think I'm about done, I'm just waiting till it's early enough for me to print my boardnig pass online. (i.e. midnight) I tried putting some caffine in my system (via Sierra Mist) but it didn't really help.

Haven't eaten much decent food today. I had 2/3 of a turkey sandwich for breakfast, the rest of the sandwich and a 1/4 of a plum for lunch (plus a cold piece of pizza), and a muffin for dinner. Oh and throw in lots of water, a can of Sierra Mist, a brownie (trying to get a sugar high this evening), and the crumbs from a bag of chex mix. YAY!

This is what I call the orthodontics diet. Here's the guidelines.

1. Lasts: 1-8 days
2. Well how the hell do I know how long then? : The diet is over when your teeth stop hurting.
3. When should I start?: The day of your ortho appointment.
4. What do I eat?: Hardly anything. Only things that can be tiny pieces to chew in the back of your mouth, if you can handle that, or just liquids.
5. How do I get energy?: Hah. Beats me. If you wanna chug red bull go ahead. But mostly you'll just be tired, because an empty stomach and aching teeth will keep you up at night, so you have no nutrition and no rest. ( = no energy)

Doesn't that sound fun? Tell me about it. Okay well almost time to print, so must dash. Not that I can move that fast. Ever.

Bloody Valentine

Oh my love, please don't cry
I'll wash my bloody hands and we'll start a new life
I don't know much at all, I don't know wrong from right
All I know is that I love you tonight.
~*~Good Charlotte "Bloody Valentine"

Not much to say... Have to go register for school tomorrow and take my yearbook picture. That meant an arguement about what I was going to wear... (between me and my mother.)

Well not to be random, but I have to go to the orthodontist tomorrow and that really sucks. I don't wanna. But I do have a wire sticking out in back that I should have fixed. The thing is he may put on my bottom brackets and that really could suck because it would put me in a crappy mood for the whole time I'm in New York. (I leave in less than 48 hours!)

Hopefully will rent Ned Kelley tomorrow, and watch it while I'm packing (because I am a master multitasker. as well as rhymer.). Lots of Heath Ledger and Orlando Bloomness.

Better go to "sleep" early appointment. (i.e. 8:15)

Say Anything

Some say that time changes
Best friends can become strangers
But I don't want that, no not for you
If you just stay with me we can make it through
...
When will you laugh again?
Laugh like you did back when
We'd stay up till 3 am
And the neighbors would complain
~*~ Good Charlotte "Say Anything"

Just got back from the trip... Well a bit ago, but I had to eat dinner. Anyway. My brother made us listen to my old Good Charlotte CD in the car and I noticed that even though the songs are kind of annoying, the lyrics are really good. I was listening to this song, and I started crying... it just reminds me so much of my friend Shannon - she was my first friend, when I was 2 weeks old. We grew up like sisters but we never had a single fight... She was my best friend in the entire world... Then last summer she moved away, and even though I still saw her at dance class, she never really talked to me anymore...

So you can tell I've been feeling a bit depressed... But at the same time I'm ridiculously excited. I leave for New York in like 4 days! But the most recent (as in has already happened) thing that is fantastic is I went to Hot Topic on Friday, at Mall of America. I got a Slipknot shirt and a Johnny Depp shirt... I wanted to get cool pants, but I didn't have time to try any on, cause I only had an hour before me and Sabine had to meet our parents... We got to the mall kind of late and then had to eat. (Back to Kokomo's) But still. Hot Topic was awesome. And just to have it on record, Sabine still owes me $16. (This is just in case I lose the piece of paper I wrote it on.) I bought her a shirt...

Which brings me to my next point. Hannah, lighten up on Bean a little. You say alot of things you don't need to say. (Yes I know I sound like my mother but I have to be the responsible big sister type that I am.) I don't appreciate being around when you guys fight... I don't mean to be insensitive when I just sit and watch, but I don't want to get in the middle, because it's none of my business. I want you to understand that. I will continue to talk about this here if you don't e-mail me, so I'll be watching for you.

Anyway. I have to go get unpacked so I can get my laundry done before I leave again. Try and get me before I'm gone. I miss you all and want to see you so much, I think. (I guess it could depend on who's reading this.) WOOSH! I am gone!

A Few Things I Forgot

Forgot a few things when I posted. Rather than edit my post, I shall just make a new one.

1. My ear is still bruised, though it doesn't look as impressive as it did yesterday.
2. It still hurts as much
3. It is crusty (you all wanted to know that) and it itches because of all the lotions and antibiotics my mother insists on putting on it. (Honestly, you'd think I'd had it nearly chopped off.)
4. There are 85 days until Finding Neverland primieres.
5. I have way too much crap to fit in my suitcase.
6. There will be no room for my new cool clothes from Hot Topic. I guess I will have to get rid of Sam. Darn.

I guess that's about it. I just found these things fascinating enough to tell you all, because you are not fascinating enough to have your own facinating things to tell. (How many of you have crusty ears? No wait... I don't want to know.)

Okay. Really going to get to work now. I'm leaving in the morning!

This is post 30! This page is colorful!

Walk the Plank

Watching and thinking as I walk along
Singing my final deadliest song

Things have been rather peaceful the past couple days - I went on an hour long walk yesterday by myself. I put Slipknot in my CD player and just walked around the streets until it ended. I probably walked a couple miles. I don't know though, because I walked around blocks and down side streets and along main streets to no place in particular. It was literally like my feet said 'turn here' and I did. I didn't pay attention to street signs until I needed to head home. All the streets here are numbers, so it's really easy to get around, as long as you can count. (Which, despite poular belief, I can.) It was nice to just be by myself, without just sitting around, and have music with me, and not have to talk to anyone. To be the observer.  Then tonight we went out for dinner (a pizza buffet place, like Chicago Dough but not as good), and I walked home from there. That was a bit more difficult, because I had to cut across some fields and walk along some streets with names that I was not so familiar with, but it was good to walk again. I think I'm going to go on daily (or semi - daily, as time allows) walks around my house. There's lots of fun winding streets for me to get lost on.
 
Also, I started a sewing project today. As some of you know, I'm repainting my room and therefore trying to have an actual color scheme this time. (For those of you who have seen my room before, you know it looks rather childish and thrown together. This is because it was done when I was nine, and things have been added ever since that don't really match, because they fit my taste now.) Anyway.  I'm sewing a duvet cover for my bed - black, lime green, and hot pink (mostly black though). I'll probably be adding white for the triangles which we still need to do... But don't want to bore you with the meticulous details. When it's finished though, you all have to come marvel at my first sewing project, which I am doing with minimal help from my mother. (I do all the sewing and ironing. She cuts the fabric strips because I am a dismal cutter.) I will give you updates as I progress.
 
Well I have been informed that we will be leaving tomorrow morning for St. Paul and spending the night again at the Graves' house. Hannah has to go babysit, so my family, Sabine, and Lauren (their mom) are going to go shopping at Mall of America. (I will get to go to Hot Topic, and Spencer's, and all the other cool stores I want to go to.) I will be home, at my house(!!!), on Saturday evening. This gives me a few days to do laundry and repack before I leave for New York. So you all better get in your phone calls and stuff before I leave again, otherwise I won't talk to you for another week and a half. And nobody wants that! Anyway.
 
Righty-o. Now I must get my e-mailing and instant messaging done before I am kicked off and then have to go pack. Will post again tomorrow if I get the opportunity, but if not will post Saturday (if we don't get home too late and I'm not too tired), or Sunday for sure. Ta!

Revolution

More calm than a heartbeat that flatlines
Quiet like a dark street under the moonlight
A phrase of action that’s been screamed from the guts of me
Ever since their first experienced injustice, prejudice, discrimination
A word louder than a gunshot
And softer than a baby’s laugh
It will pass, just like it always hasUntil it spits off the lips of the next man who’s had it up to here
~*~ P.O.D. (Payable on Death) "Revolution"

Today is a rather good day. Right now my biggest dilema (aside from being here) is that I have to decide what JD movie to watch first with Leslie.

Although one thing I'm not especailly pleased about it my ear. Ow ow ow! Here's the story: I always listen to music when I go to sleep. Since there is no boom box here, I listen on my headphones. Now this isn't uncomfortable, because I turn alot in my sleep, so the headphones dont push into my ears. Except last night, because apparently I slept on my right side all night. This morning I woke up and my ear hurt. ALOT. I went to go take a shower and I looked in the mirror and there is a lovely bruise on my right ear. Wonderfully purple and red. Ow ow ow. I popped a blood vessel. Doesn't that sound fun? Hah.

Well anyway. 6 days till I leave for New York! YAY!

There's never really much to talk about anymore, because nothing goes on here. Though I am going to post a blog in response to something Alonzo wrote, so watch for that. (If I'm in the mood, I'll give you the link to his blog too)

Fragile

Been feeling kind of crappy today. I don't know why, really. More mood swings. I think I may be bi-polar. It's not impossible
 
I've been updating my site - adding music lyrics. Still trying to find some for the CDs that don't have them with the CD. In fact, I should get to that so I'm not going to write much longer. (Typing up all those words kind of turned me off typing for a while too.)
 
Anyway. It's sounding like we may not be leaving till Saturday, and getting home Sunday. Though I'm trying to dissuade my mom from this idea, and leave Friday. The earlier we leave the better... I have things to do at home.

Bleed Black

I know
I died that night
And I'll never be brought back to life
Once again
I know
~*~ AFI "Bleed Black"
 
Wrote a few poems the other day - you can check them out at my site.
 
http://groups.msn.com/darkmoon319
 
Hope you enjoy. If you do, join and post a comment on the site to tell me what you think. Or, I guess, if you're really lazy, you can just post a comment here.
 
So I'm still not up to much. Been chatting on AIM, but it gets annoying because I have to use AIM express, and that is a kind of sucky program. It's a bit faulty and I get disconnected alot. Still, it's better than no connection at all.
 
I leave for New York a week from tomorrow! This is quite exciting. I can't wait to go see Leslie. But I don't need to go on about that over and over again; I'm sure you're all tired of hearing me talk about it. Not that that really matters, but I will stop.

Inspired by Darkness

Not alot to say. I've been hanging around the house all day, not doing much. Been updating my site, and trying to see if i can re-infiltrate something that used to be mine but was stolen from me. Long story. I will explain if anything interesting happens.
 
I wrote something today, and I'm wondering if it made any sense. I'm going to post it here. I was replying to a message of someone else. Just tell me what you make of it.

Talia you have many talents and much to share with the world. Thank you so much for everything you've said, and all that you've shared. Having the courage to share your story is what leads to true understanding, and that is the basis of all everything. I wish everyone had the guts to share their stories. Though the world may seem dark, it can become a better place through people like you. Everyone out there has a story to share...
 
I know many people were inspired by Mad Mad House, the Alts, Don, anything related. I was. It gave me a new appreciation for everything, and renewed me and inspired me. Though alot of people I know think I'm still depressed (though I may be), it is perhaps in a different way that I am inspired, learning to be who I am and nothing less. Understanding and truth should be valued above all things. Of course also important is love. An unconditional passionate, ungiving love, a relationship which is based on a deep understanding and complete truth.
 
Thank you Talia.

Sillouettes

I don't wanna live like my mother...
I don't wanna let fear rule my life
I don't wanna live like my father...
I don't wanna give up before I die
~*~ Smile Empty Soul "Sillouettes"

Turns out I stayed online until about 1:30 this morning. I had alot of e-mail to get through, and I was talking to Alonzo. I miss you, Alonzo! (I haven't seen him since early June... that's almost 2 months...) And I probably won't get to see anyone till I get back from New York, which is August 10th. I miss you all! (Though I am having tons of fun.)
 
Finally staying in one place for a while! Probably about 5 days. Hoping to get back home on Saturday, which means we'll leave Friday and probably spend the Night in St. Paul again.
 
You guys gotta send me e-mails. The only time I can call you is on the weekends. (My cell minutes are almost used up for the month, except my 1000 night {after 9pm} and weekend minutes.) I miss talking to all of you! I also miss being at home with my Johnny Depp movies and my lovely framed Johnny poster. When I get to New York though I will watch lots of Johnny movies! Yay!
 
Sounds like it's time for lunch, so I have to go. I'll talk to you all later!

Happy Phantom

And if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearing my naughties like a jewel.
They'll be my ticket to the universal opera
'Cause Judy Garland's taking Buddah by the hand.
~*~ Tori [insert last name I forgot] "Happy Phantom"

Okay so been house hopping again, and here's what happened:

• Left Al's Friday morning
• Spent the night Friday at Becca's
• Met Mom in Minneapolis at Mall of America
• Did not get to go to Hot Topic
• Will get to go on return trip
• Spent Saturday night at Hannah's house in St. Paul
• Drove today and got to grandparents' house

 
That's what I've been up to, though that is a simplified version. I've been having lots of fun though, and getting little sleep. I've slept on all manner of beds, in a van, on a couch, in a car (on a train, with a fox, in a box...)
 
Anyway. Well really I haven't got anything interesting to tell you. I could recount all my travels, but I fear that would be rather tedious for me and extremely boring for you. If you would like to find out stuff, you can IM me. My sn is in my profile. As is my e-mail address, I think.
 
For now I must go. There is much work to be done in the form of unpacking and whatnot. Tomorrow I have to pick apricots and other stuff that is growing in the garden or on trees in the back yard. (Fun fun fun, right?)
 
Well I miss you all. Now off to unpack. Night!

Wistful

Al is studying for Chemistry because she has a final tomorrow, so I'm back online due to lack of stuff to do. (Perhaps I would be a horrible only child. I find I'm rather crappy at entertaining myself.)

Talked to my mom today. Here's the ever so wonderful official plan she's come up with.
Tomorrow - I leave here early for work so that I can drop my junk off at home. Becca's mom Carolyn will pick me up after work and drop me off at home so I can repack (you see what's coming?) When I'm all set, I'll go over to Becca's house and spend the night there.
Saturday - I'll leave with them in the morning and drive up to Minneapolis, where I'll meet my mom, and spend a night in the hotel there with her.
Sunday - We'll drive the rest of the way up to South Dakota and spend probably about 5 days there with my grandparents. We can't stay much longer, because I have to be back by the following Tuesday for my ortho appointment. (Not to mention the fact I leave for New York the next day.)

So if any of you had any hopes of seeing me the rest of the summer, I guess you will have to give up. I will be gone a total of about 2 weeks (on top of this week, and the family reunion week, and the week I spent in Seattle). Then I'll have 6 days before school starts. I don't know when we're going to go school shopping. I'm surprised my mom is willing to leave it so late - she likes school shopping around now, in the middle of July, not the middle of August, less than a week before school starts.

Oh and I didn't mention that my dad will be flying down to Florida for my grandma's 80th birthday, in between when I start school and when the boys do. (Is my family ever allowed to all be in the house at the same time?)

Anybody think I should maybe fill up those last 6 days with a trip far away? Maybe to some mental institution. All I need is one more trip right? I haven't traveled at all this summer, right? Hah. If you count 4 trips and a week away from home not traveling.

Vacation count: Gone 5 weeks out of an 8 week summer.
Anyone else thign there's something wrong with that?

Painted Black

I see a Red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
~*~[insert band name I forgot] "Painted Black"

It's been crazy busy in the world of me. I left Molly's yesterday after I got back from work. (I got back really late though because we stayed to put up the kid's artwork for the show.) So I got back a little after 3, and then Bev picked me up and brought me over here.

Al was at speech camp, so Bev and I just sat and talked for a while, and it was nice to just sit and not be rushing somewhere. Then we left to pick up Al and her friend Monica, and we got into the car seconds before it started pouring. It was crazy. It rained so hard I don't know how Bev saw through the windshield. Al and Monica got soaked in the few seconds it took to get to the car. It stopped raining right as we dropped Monica off. Which was nice, even though they got soaked earlier.

I did get to the show that the kids put on, and it went okay. It was a show with little kids, and nothing more. But they looked very cute, so they fooled all the parents into thinking they were well behaved at SAM. But I know I will miss some of them. The Cefelli boys gave Rachael, Katie, and me little plaques, which was really nice. I may actually put mine up. I still have all the gifts kids gave me last year - they're in my desk drawer and I can show them to anyone who would like to see, and prove that I am loved, even if only by 5 year olds.

Yawn yawn yawn, I am tired. I think I'm too busy. But that's okay, I like being busy. And I hope I'll stay busy here. But my mom is trying to get me out to Minneapolis, where she is, and then drive up to visit my grandparents. Which means I wouldn't be able to usher this weekend, and I wouldn't get to hang out with my friends this week, and I'd get back just before I leave for NY, so I wouldn't see any of you until I got back from there, and then school would be about to start. I'm voting for a petition - sign if you don't want me to go away to SD.

Hmmm... This is interesting. I'm listening to Al's band demo. It's cool stuff. Which reminds me.

I met Trevor yesterday, and he seems pretty cool. He didn't stay, he was just dropping off a couple CDs. But anyway.

Okay I think that's about enough for now. I have a book I need to read by Saturday.

Pretty Little Picture

It's a pretty little picture, to share
As our little boat sails to see
Take a little trip, light as air
Have a little freedom, on me.
~*~"Pretty Little Picture"
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum

For you slow ones who don't know, that's a play, not a band. It's a play I've seen 4 times thus far and will most likely see 4 more. I was busy all this weekend, mostly ushering. You should all come see the show though it's really funny. (I wouldn't be watching it all these times if it sucked.) Shows are Fri. and Sat. at 8 pm, and Sunday at 2:30 and 7:30 pm. Come see me and this awesome show. (Oh jeez I sound like some peppy poster girl. *shudder*)

Saturday we celebrated my brother Sam's birthday. It's not till Wednesday, but he wasn't going to be here then so we celebrated early. His day plans consisted of: playing brand new game cube, having a "family game", lunch at McDonalds, going to see the movie "Garfield" (sucked by the way), dinner at Baker's Square, and then off to see the play I was ushering at. It was a rather boring day until that evening, but it made him happ\y, ao whatever, I guess.

I am now the inly person of my family still in the state of Illinois. My mom and brothers are in Minnesota for a soccer tournament, and my dad is in New Mexico on a business trip. So right now I'm staying with Molly, then Wednesday evening, I will switch to my friend Alice's house. Dad won't be back till Sunday, but Mom should be back by Friday or so, unless by some miracle our team wins even though they never win against the travel teams out here.

I live for New York 2 weeks from tomorrow and I am so excited!!! We have planned now when we're going to get down to NYU, and we're either going to see Wicked (which would be awesome) or some thing with Richard Dreyfuss (would also be awesome) on Broadway. Woot woot! I can't wait!!! I have to admit I'm enjoying the time away from my family this summer. Almost 2 whole weeks, and that's more than most people get. :)

So as you can tell things are pretty good here right now. Love having my job, glad to not be at home, and this computer has DSL. lol ok now I'm getting ridiculous.

In the Middle of the Street

There's nothing left for me to say
You never answer anyway
I might as well disappear
All you've done is abandon me here

I wrote poems:

Ended
I'm certain of it now
I wansn't meant to be alone
Abandonded by all who I thought
Were my friends
Betrayed again, it never ends
And for some reason I always forgive
I don't trust anymore
So I'm stuck in isolation
Either leave me alone completely
Or stare me in the face and be true
But don't pretend anymore
I'm tired of the gray.
--7/13/04

Coming Out
I need reassurance
I don't know anything
I think I'm crazy
Can someone please explain?
I feel scared
I am confused
I want answers
Can someone please explain?
I know alot can happen
I have so many feelings
I don't care that I'm not alone
Can someone please explain?
--7/13/04

Tapestry
I have visions in my head
Of how things were supposed to be
Movies that keep plaing
As though to torment me
There are other times
When i see what's real
And when those images come through
I truly begin to feel.
--7/14/04

Intervention
I knew I was something
But now I don't know what
Thought I was important
But I realize I'm just dust
Now I have nothing - nothing to do
Nothing to do but stare at you
It's about time there was some fucking honesty somewhere
Because nothing anymore is fair
And I've never been one to hide my opinions
Truth and darkness my faithful minions
So prepare to explain what you never told me
I'm only here to set you fucking free.
--7/14/04

Irrelevant
Feel so unappreciated
And there's no one I can trust
Suddenly fucked up again

When I really need to talk
Is when I have to lave
But no one is there anyway

What is really the reason
I don't know why I bother
Everything goes unnoticed

All my actions are in vain
So now I'll disappear
No one will notice.
--7/14/04

Deeper
I don't know what to think
And I don't know what to say
The only thing I'm sure of
Is you need to go away
Something is seriously wrong
Which I care enough to right
Fuck the time
I've got more than all night
You need to tell me what's going on
Tell me why I am to blame
I want to understand
Your torment and my pain.
--7/14/04

Product of Fatality
I've got to get away
There's no way to survive here
Haunting past and an empty future
I don't want to stay

CHORUS:
I can't believe reality
I'm surviving on a dream
I live with the brutality
Nothing is what it seems

You forgot everything I said
No one was ever listening
I don't have a chance
No more can penetrate my head

CHORUS

Forgive me now, for my sin
Though I can not forget
You never knew, never cared
But I'm waiting to begin

CHORUS

Falling... apart
Living... dark
Hoping... in vain
Screaming... your name

My life... dangles on a string {ENGING LINE}

CHORUS x2, then repeat ENDING LINE to fade
--7/14/04

Hope you all like and understand. That last one I hope to turn into a song, if I can find someone to help me with the music. Tell me what you think with the comments thing.

Bookshelf

I knew that I was something
But now I don't know what
Thought I was important
But I realize I'm just dust.

Lots of shit going on right now. I'm pissed off at people, and the world is spinning, and I think what I just wrote at the beginng up there (^) is going to become a poem. I'll post it later. I wrote a couple other ones yesterday and one today, but I don't feel like getting them now. Maybe later, or tomorrow. Anyway.

So I had my party tonight and it was good fun, but I do'nt feel like talking about happy things right now. So I'll tell you about that later, or tomorrow. Anyway.

I've been finding out way too many things through other people, and it bothers me that hardly anyone talks to me anymore and really tells me things. The only people I can really talk to right now are Blondie, Z-Man, and Kei. The first two are the ones who always tell me things, and Kei and I can talk about anything. I'm not going to start mentioning names, though it would really only be one name, and I hope (s)he knows who (s)he is, because this needs to be fixed fast for more than just my sake. Things are really starting to get fucked up. What everyone knew about me... my secret that was divulged, is coming out everywhere.

I'm tired of followers. But now I'm going to be hypocritical for one moment, and say (hint hint) I'm tired of the "game" of truth. *Big red flag goes up* No one is paying attention! I've done all this fighting for nothing. I think I'm going to retry being reclusive and see what happens. So note to all my "friends" out there, if you really actually want to be my friend, call me and tell me, please, cause I need some reassurance right now. And some of you, if you call we're going to have to have a long talk about what the fuck our relationship is, because I don't know anymore. I'm confused and alone and it sux ass, worse than some other really shitty things. I just want some honesty.

Disapperate (July 13th)

I'm doing all the work
Yet I'm the one unnoticed
Never to be recognized
For who I truly am.

Not in such a good mood anymore, just because that kind of mood is so rare for me. But I didn't post yesterday, so I'm back today.

Zach's party was cool, even though we didn't watch alot of I Love the '90s. We spent about an hour throwing a soccer ball at a tree, trying to get down something Muffin threw up there, and then spent probably an hour yelling at my friend's boyfriend. (Soon to be ex, maybe?)

Tomorrow is my party and hopefully it will go well. Will make sure to tape A2Z when I watch it earlier, before people get here. Otherwise I will miss very interesting things about Johnny Depp! Oh no what a tragedy!

Wrote a couple poems recently that I felt like showing you guys. They're based on movies I just saw.

The Brave
I will die for the ones I love
And never say a word
I will walk out the door
And never say goodbye
I will kiss you while you sleep
Then leave, never to return
I will lay down my life
Then you will be prosperous
I will do anything for you
I will spare you all the pain
I will love you today and always
For today is the day I die.
--7/6/04

Butterfly Effect
I did it to fix everything
And make you forget what I
Thought I never knew
Shed my blood to resurrect
A past that should have stayed forgotten
Or maybe never existed
I'm sorry but I had to be the hero
Too single-minded and determined
Forgive me for everything
I never meant to abandon you
Now I've come back
To leave you forever.
--7/11/04

I know these poems make sense if you've seen the movies (of the same titles). I hope they're good though anyway.

The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers

The wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are wonderful things
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs.
They're trouncy flouncy pouncy bouncy fun fun fun fun fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is I'm the only one!

Long time...
I haven't posted in about 4 days or something... I dunno. It's been cray-zeh. But I'm posting for real today because I am very excited with lots of cool info! It has been the best weekend ever! Woot Woot! (well the best weekend ever was Con in St. Louis, but this is the best weekend in PF ever.)


I'm Going AWAY!!!!!!!!!
(9 exclamation marks)
In less than a month I will be in NY visiting my most awesome cousin Leslie. (Well, she and Rachel are close... but anyway.) She's very truly cool and we will spend a week watching Johnny Depp movies, hopefully going to see a Broadway show, and possibly poking around NYU. (I wanna go to college at NYU) We may try and iron grilled cheese sandwiches, as well. (You have to have seen Benny and Joon to get this, so don't ask.) I can't wat... I'm leaving August 4th and getting bak the 10th... And I get to go all by myself! lol I'm a big kid now! *insert pull-ups tune*

Church and More Church!!!!!!!!!
(9 exclamation marks)
Today I went to Trinity to hear Molly play pinano wif her grandpappy. They was very good but Lutherans have very long services with lots of standing and sitting, and singing and stuff.
After that I went to my church cause it is very cool and I haven't been there in about a month. And I am tre glad I went, cause there is very very very good news, one of the most exciting things I have ever heard.
Heather and Amanda got engaged while they were at GA (General Assembly - the UU *Unitarian Universalist* big ass meeting that was in Cali this year) and they are getting married next year in August! Woot Woot I am sooooooooo (9 ohs) very excited for them! Woot Woot again! And I was the only youth teenager person there to find out, so I feel special that I was first to know. Except for Alice, I think, cause I think Bev (her mom) knew... but anyway I'm spoiling the moment.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow!!!!!!!!!
(9 exclamation marks)
Tomorrow I am going to a party at Zach's house to watch I Love the '90s. It will be quite fun. We shall party till the cows come home! (where the hell did that saying come from?)

Wednesday, Wednesday!!!!!!!!!
(9 exclamation marks)
Somehow that doesn't work the same way. But anywho. I will be having a party on Wednesday with I think the same people at Zachs, plus Alonzo and maybe 1 or 2 other people. We're gonna watch (who else?) Johnny Depp on A2Z on VH1. I am quite happeh. We shall party until the... hmmm... pigs come home. (We are going to have quite a farm. I want horses and ducks!)

Fade

In the days of darkness there was always one who stood strong
One who I never knew had been there all alond
A creature so pure of heart and mind, and of driven soul
Who's life and work has come to me, prepared to take it's toll.

It has arrived! The Brave came yesterday!!! Thanks a million and a half (?) to Leslie!!! You rock forever!

Damn. I meant to post more but I got to go. Try for tomorrow. Ta!

I *Burnt* My Pants!!! :\

There's a hole in my pants, dear Liza dear Liza
There's a hole in my pants, dear Liza a hole.
So fix it you dumb ass! You dumb ASS! You DUMB ASS!
So fix it you dumb ass, you dumb ASS fix it!


HEHE. Very high on 4th-of-Julyness. This was the best 4th ever. So here goes the whole story:

1. The parade: Erich didn't have a reed so he couldn't play so Chi (who showed up! yay!) and me had to cover his solo, and we didn't have the music for it, so it sounded pretty crap, but it was fun anyway and I saw a zillion people I knew, which is funny cause I didn't think I knew a zillion people, but I even saw my minister!

2. Chasing Ryan: Okay so RYAN RUDOLF (now you all know his name, so you can all stalk him), my ex, was at the park (duh, everyone was there), and I saw him, and I was in the mood for a confrontation (as I often am), so we started to walk over to him, and he took off. I mean like, ran as if a meteor was coming. And he would get away, and we (Me, Stephanie, Molly, and Zach) would chase him more. Sometimes even looking at him would send him running, or if I moved at all. This all went on for at least an hour, prolly more than that. But it was a blast. And I've decided he's a man whore. But fine. Whatever.

3. Creepy Guys Who Hit on Me! (Oh Joy)
Yeah so we were walking around, trying to re-spot Ryan, and this guy walks up and he's like "where you goin'" creepy. And there were more of them all night. There were the 3 guys, who almost followed me, molly, and steph, and other people of course. There was Nick, too, but he's cool.

4. The Insence... Here's where is gets interesting
Okay so we (now me, Molly, Stephanie, Zach, Chi, and Sonya) were sitting in the middle of the path (to stay away from mosquitoes and block people) and we decided we should make a fire. So we put lots of sticks together, and we were like... ok, now who's got matches or a lighter? And of course, I had just taken mine out of my purse a couple days ago, so not me, and no body else either. Everybody in our big ass group had insence though, maybe to ward of mosquitoes (?) *or maybe just to wave at and burn eachother with, for the amusement of our sadistic parents* and so we all wanted some, and so me and Chi got one for each of us (6 total). And then get this, we tried to make a fire with them. We did burn the napkins, but the sticks and grass wouldn't light. Even when Nick brought us some matches it didn't work.

5. That's not Entirely True
We did light the napkins on fire. And they burned like hell, man. We were afraid our parents would see the glow. It was big. And so we all tried to get rid of it, but that just blew the embers around and one got on my pants. (You all see where this is going?) And I tried to squish it out, but instead I burned my finger and my leg, and there is now a hole in my pants, on the left side of my right knee.

6. So After that...
Party at my house! Chi and Sonya couldn't come, but Zach, Molly, and Steph did. We lit candles and went in the backyard, but both my neighbors were having parties, putting us in danger of being attacked by a rougue firecracker (which are illegal here) or a buring tree. So we went into my garage, which is actually a cool place to hang out. They all left around 11. And now I'm here!

So that was my 4th. Was yours that interesting? I bet not! HAH!

The Nameless

Don't go... I never wanted anybody more than I wanted you
I know... The only thing I ever really loved was hurting you
Don't go... I never wanted anybody more than I wanted you
I know... The only thing I ever really loved was hate
~~*~~ Slipknot "The Nameless"

Okay so since my internet is fucked up, I can't update my website. (YAY.) So I've decided to post my poems from last night here.

One Step Farther
A red hear races through me
While I reside in the icy blackness
I can feel the storm raging through me
As I sit in the serenity
Sensings the pain of it all
Even as you wrap your arms around me in comfort
Things weren't supposed to be this way
When did they tear down the Berlin Wall?
How do you define what love is right?
Whos is true enough to believe with their soul
That loving anyone can be wrong
Never will I comprehend it.

Not Forgotten
All I wanted was someone to beleive in
I thought I found that in you
Finally the purity I long for
Gracious civility
Rid of the ignorance
And immaturity that haunts me
A sanctuary in pure honesty
Something worth my faith and trust
To finally put me at peace
Lauid to rest alone, without the demons
But I falter when you finally tell me the truth
Everything was lies.

Answers
Follow me... to the depths of my mind
Follow me... through the darkness
Follow me... into the world of the demonic
Follow me... to something you're never seen before
Follow me... through the stars and the firtes
Follow me... into the secret
Never knew the truth
Cause I never learned to trust
And you wonder about the reflections of my soul in my eyers
Follow me... Cause I don't know where I'm going.

Talkative Eyes
All that I aspire to be, he is
He is loved
He loves his work
At night he sleeps content
As he is who he wants to be
Satisfied with himself
But always striving to be more
He has the power to send his message
He knows he is worth it
Completely faithful to himself alone
He is beautiful
His eyes tell his story
The pureness of his heart unmatched
He is happy and complete
He is unclassified
He is all that he needs to be.

Breakdown
Not yesterday or today
Tomorrow for ever
How do I explain reality
Say one word to explain
Everything I've ever done
My eyes bleed and my
Heart cries
The days I remember
Quickly slip away in the mundane
Society on my shoulders will quickly collapse
When I do begin my end
And end what I've begun

Delerium
In a dance of dreams
The secrecy destroyed
Wise ones watch
As we stumble in what is new to us
What we forget to remember
The space we take hold of
Manifest the whole of you
Just to float on the surface
Lay down my life for you
For just one moment of
Knowing I'm safe right where I am
No disappointments in myself
Finally I made you proud

Asylum
Your face of confusioin
Staring into my wisdom
Perhaps it isn't worth anything
And it is I who knows nothing
I who speaks the foreign language
Maybe all along it is I
Who has been in the wrong
What created me
Will destroy everything
And I can not escape it
The inevitable.

All for now! Enjoy!

Before I Forget

I am a world before I am a man
I was a creature before I could stand
I will remember before I forget
Before I forget this...
~~*~~ Slipknot "Before I Forget"

Talked to Leslie for about 3 hours (really) yesterday. It was hilarious how insane we were. I shall never ever show this conversation to any of you, because you would commite me to the state insane asylum. And fun as that would be, there would be no Johnny Depp pictures there. :(

Okay but anyway. Oh everybody say hi to Molly who is here reading this as I'm typing it! WEEEEEEEE! *Lack of sleep is really catching up today*

Yeah so I was up till like 2 yesterday, and I wrote 7 poems in less than an hour. Will be posting them on my site in the soon future. (My saying, leave it!) If you don't have the link, it's http://groups.msn.com/darkmoon319

Check it out cause I rock! And I really will update soon. Thrasher Hollow, too, if I can sit at the computer a minute and just write. Laters for now!

Pulse of the Maggots

We - we - are the new diabolic
We - we - are the bitter bucolic
If I have to give my life you can have it
We - we - are the pulse of the maggots!
~~*~~ Slipknot "Pulse of the Maggots"

Just felt like posting some more. Thought about composing a poem I was thinking of the other day.

See you through the window
I'm staring, but you're not looking back at me
Pull away the glass
Hoping you will see
Just to know what I've been through
And understand the pain
Feeling all the efforts
I smiled at in vain
Perhaps you'll never really know
Just what I'm trying to say
But you were there when I looked through the window
And I never looked away.

Yeah I like that. And it was easy to write. Took bout a minute, acutally, and I wrote it just now. This is the first edition people! And it shall be titled... hmm. 'In the Thick of It'
Ta Da.

Vermillion Part 2

She is everything to me...
The unrequited dream.
The song that no one sings.
The Unatainable.
She's a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do...
~~*~~ Slipknot "Vermiollion Pt. 2"


Yeah so obviously I'm getting really into Slipknot. But their lyrics are so awesome, and so perfectly fitting... I was gonna use that one yesterday, but I couldn't quite remember the words. And now I'm glad I didn't, because it fits better today.

Chi Chi was over again today. Bit of Kismit, (or Kizmit??? *shrug* dunno) actually. Here's the story:

Actually went to band practice today, so I can march in the parade (joy). No really, it was good to see Skocz again. I've missed him so much! But anywho. Ok so my mom came and picked me up, and we went and dropped a movie off at Video Events (there's a massive movie fest going on at my house, because you get free rentals in June at Video Events and Family Video for A's on your report card. But I'm of track again.) Then we drove back past school to get home, and Erich is still waiting for his mom, and in the long and short of it, we decide to give him a ride home. We star to go down this one street, but it was blocked off because of all the damn road construction. So we turned around and went BACK past the school, and there is Chi Chi standing outside with her awesome blue umbrella. (he he) So we picked HER up, then dropped Erich off, and the Chi Chi dame and hung out for a while. We talked some more, and looked at old yearbooks, and then played a game of chess. (She won, surprise surprise.)

But it was good. Oh and by the way - a couple other quick notes.

1. The title of the 6th Harry Potter book is 'Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince'
2. Alonzo will be back next week! YAY!
3. Chi Chi is leaving next week. SHIT!
4. Leslie sent me 'The Brave' today. I should have it soon. YAY!
5. People forgot to call me, AGAIN.
6. I'm extremely bored, so please do call me. Otherwise I will be forced ('forced') to watch Secret Window over and over and over again, and I'm sure none of you (aside from me) want that to happen, because it only fuels my obsession. :)