Recoil

come home and my guitar
has nothin to say to me
i recoil from all my friends
and then i'm in misery
been so long since i've been held
really since i was his
probably just need to be held
that's probably all it is

course, then i think of my dad
who time travels mostly now
back to when he was free
and holding out hope somehow
who sits all day in a line
of wheelchairs against a wall
inventing ways to play out time
like us all
like us all

to all the people out there tonight
who are comforting themselves
if you should happen to see my light
you can stop and ring my bell
i'm just sittin here in this sty
strewn with half written songs
taking one breath at a time
nothin much going on
nothin much going on

little flashing zeroon my answering machine
rats scratching at my brain
brain shuffling its feet
yes i have my father's heart
it may or may not keep on trying
can't really tell you what it is
keeps me this side of that dark line
but i'm not there to take care of him
and i'm not here to take care of me
i'm going outside to watch the house burn down
across the street
i'm going outside to watch the house burn down
across the street
~*~"Recoil" Ani DiFranco

Hi guys! Look I'm on again already! Guess what I have decided? I currently GREATLY dislike the non-gay male population (because I always love the gay population!) Grrr boys! Sorry. Having a few issues with some of the boys in my life. Though I will say Jake impressed me today. I don't know if that had anything to do with his talk with Jordan yesterday, but he actually apologized today. Yay!

On the other hand, there's still "the boy" and Alonzo... argh! stupid boys! (Yeah Jordan, it's my turn to be bitter)

Whatever. I'll just keep watching my Johnny movies and Rocky Horror. (I heart Tim Curry!)

There's a con next weekend. I can't wait. I miss Carly and Jamie and everybody! Of course, many people will be at the Marwood reunion, because for some reason, some idiot planned 2 UU youth events for the same weekend. There's a genuine stroke of genius for you.

Anyway. I think I'm done. I've got stuff to do before Family Guy. Such an awesome show!

Love to all cause love is good!

Greenlight New York Guide || Where to 'GO' in The City That Never Sleeps

Greenlight New York Guide || Where to 'GO' in The City That Never Sleeps

Mystery Train

There are days when she's a whisper

Nights when she's a scream

A reason to wake up in the morning

To close your eyes and dream

She'll curse you like a sailor

She'll wound you with her eyes

She always makes it better

But she won't apologize

I know everything about her but don't know her at all

Chorus:

She's a ride on a mystery train

To a place you've never been before

Better hold on tight to that mystery train

You're not in Kansas anymore

She's a ride

Mystery train

~*~"Mystery Train" Bon Jovi

Look! I'm posting! I know it's been a long time. Always is. I was so busy though! I still am. In fact, I've really got to go now. Just wanted to say hi to everyone and let you know I'm alive. Having a good time with everything. Saw the Frog and Toad cast yesterday. It was awesome!

Happy birthday Michael! I love you so much!

Love to all cause love is good!

Best of Me

Tell me what you thought about when
You were gone and so alone
The worst part's over
You can have the best of me
We got older
But we're still young
We never grew out of this feeling
That we won't give up.
~*~"Best of Me" don't know the band. Help!

I tried to post this earlier but my stupid computer was being lame. So now you get a recap version. (not nearly as much fun.)

Last post: a long time ago! confusing? leave it. bad place. don't wanna go back there

brother: at 11, should I have to tell him to take a shower? i didn't think so.

Leslie: she's coming she's coming! yay!

Me: in a strange mood. and now tired too.

Spring break: good. 2 weeks in Florida = me still pale as paper. that + short +icky braces = obvious reason i don't have a boyfriend. or girlfriend. But I won't go there.

Well, I guess that was fun enough. Short and concise. maybe it's better that way.

Love to all cause love is good. (Even the boy. I'm NOT mailcious. Haha. I spelled it right too!)

Time To Start

It's time to start.

Rock concert movement #1: The basic head-bob.
Ready. Go.
Rock concert movement #2:
The one-armed fist pump.
Ready. Go.

In a moment, it will be time to execute rock concert movement #3.
Here are your instructions: Step 1: Bend your knees, and then jump into the air.
Step 2: Let gravity bring you back down, and upon landing, rock your head forward.
Step 3: Repeat.
Ready. Go.

It's time to start.

Rock concert movement #4: The behind-the-head leg stretch.
Ready. Go.
~*~"Time to Start" Blue Man Group

For Skunk. Post 100.

Redundant

We're living in repetition
Content in the same old shtick again
Now the routine's turning to contention
Like a production line going over and over roller coaster

Now I cannot speak
I lost my voice
Speechless and redundant 'cause I love you's not enough
I'm lost for words

Choreographed and lack of passion
Prototypes of what we were
Went full circle 'til I'm nauseous
Taken for granted now
Now I waste it faked it ate it now I hate it

Now I cannot speak
I lost my voice
Speechless and redundant 'cause I love you's not enough
I'm lost for words
~*~"Redundant" Green Day

For Alex, also with this sentiment from the song I thought I was posting, but this one found me so I posted this one instead. Anyway.
from The Grouch:
I drank a six pack of apathy
Life's a bitch and so am I
The world owes me so fuck you.
It's actually a really fun song. If you're in the right mood. By the way, Alex, thanks for commenting. At least SOMEONE will.

Anywho. This is post 100! How exciting! Although my stupid post counter broke at 71 for some reason. I don't know. My dashboard is crap. Whatever.

So we had no school today. I hung out at home. Watched Ellen at 10 cause she's awesome and I don't get to watch TV at school (duh). Tonight I'll be home. Should be making up dance class, but can't because my parents are going to a movie. So I'll be online or working on Bio or watching Family Guy (huzzah!).

The Fellowship Dinner was cool. Had a good time taking pictures. Then on Sunday I was the second person to sign the covenant. Quite exciting and important. I made my first official pledge, too, as a member. (That's money, not a religious thing, in case you were wondering. UUs are humans too. We need money to keep our church running. lol)

Well I think that's about it for now. I've been on for quite a while working on bio research so I better go. More later, maybe.

Love to all cause love is good!

The Man Who Sold the World

We passed upon the stair, we spoke of was and when
Although I wasn't there, he said I was his friend
Which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone, a long long time ago

Oh no, not me
I never lost control
You're face to face
With The Man Who Sold The World

I laughed and shook his hand, and made my way back home
I searched for form and land, for years and years I roamed
I gazed a gazely stare at all the millions here
We must have died along, a long long time ago

Who knows? not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With the Man who Sold the World
~*~"The Man Who Sold the World" David Bowie

I haven't posted in a while. But I've been busy, and then there's that whole expensive internet thing.

Anywho. Life has been crazy. I'm in the midst of a fight now with Molly and Alonzo, which really sucks beacuse they're my best friends. But I was sad, and now I'm pissed. We'll see how that goes.

Of course there's the Alex issue. I think it's ridculous what a big deal people are making of it. I mean, seriously. What is everyone's problem? I could go on and say everything Jordan said, or you could just read her blog to which I say "ditto."
While we're on the subject though, let me just say (for the people who don't know) I'm bi. And no this isn't just to follow some trend. I just decided that if people will make a big deal about it, I might as well take it off Alex a little so he doesn't have to deal with it so much by himself. Cause Alex, you're awesome and I luv you forever and always, and I'm sorry for the shit you're going through with all these crazy people.
And so now it's out there. Deal with it. I'm going to make a smoothie.

Love to all cause love is good.

Cast No Shadow

Here's a thought for every man
Who tries to understand what is in his hands
He walks along the open road of Love & Life surviving if he can

Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
Chained to all the places that he never wished to say
Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
And as faced the sun he cast no shadow

As they took his soul they stole his pride
As they took his soul they stole his pride
As they took his soul they stole his pride

Here's a thought for every man
Who tries to understand what is in his hands
He walks along the open road of Love & Life surviving if he can

Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
Chained to all the places that he never wished to say
Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
And as faced the sun he cast no shadow

As they took his soul they stole his pride
As they took his soul they stole his pride
As they took his soul they stole his pride

And as he faced the sun he cast no shadow
~*~"Cast No Shadow" Oasis

Look I'm back after forever! We've cut down a lot on internet time at my house until we get this phone bill thing figured out. Right now this is costing us 5 cents a minute. I don't know why. But it is. So we're trying to figure out how to switch and until then I'm gonna hardly ever be on. Which sucks, but what can ya do?

Spree was so much fun! Josh was an awesome date (got me a corsage) and I danced with a million people. Mitch wasn't there (and he's the loser, not me) but I had and awesome time without him. Actually, since 7 Friday night until about Midnight Saturday, I only spent an hour and a half at my house.
I spent the night at Stephanie's on Friday after work and the theatre, then went to dance with her on Saturday and got back to my house around 1. Went back over to Molly's house around 2:30 and went shopping at the mall with her and Alyssa. Quick stop at Alyssa's house, then back to Molly's to get ready for Spree.
Jake stopped by to show us his REALLY SHORT haircut, and then Cyndi came over and we left. Picked up Alonzo (he was so hot!) - lookin like a pimp with 4 girls at his door - and off we went.
The dance was awesome. I had such a good time... Really sore now, but I danced with more people than I can count.
Anyway. More later I g2g now. You can always call...

Love to all cause love is good!

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know were it goes
But its home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And were I walk alone

Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and every things all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
~*~" Boulevard of Broken Dreams" Green Day

Agh. I tried to post this before and then my computer got all funny. I was going to talk about things I had been thinking about, but I took that as a sign that it's not time yet. So now I have nothing to talk about.

I got my bio project finished. That was exciting. I don't know how good it is, but it is done, and that's what matters.

Molly and I went to see Finding Neverland. Alonzo was supposed to go, but because he's a procrastinator, he had to stay home and do IMSA essays instead that he was sposed to do yesterday (or any other time over the two weeks he was sick!) But whatever. His loss. I still got 2 hours of Johnny Depp in all his glory.

Okay well I'm really tired and sick, so I'm going to rest up for school (and the movie) tomorrow. It feels a lot later than 8:30. See you all soon, I hope!

Love to all, cause love is good!

Dancing Through Life

Dancing through life
Skimming the surface
Gliding where turf is smooth
Life's more painless
For the brainless
Why think too hard?
When it's so soothing
Dancing through life
No need to tough it
When you can sluff it off as I do
Nothing matters
But knowing nothing matters
It's just life
So keep dancing through...
~*~"Dancing Through Life" Wicked

That seems rather appropriate for right now. So there you have it.

I think I am more sick now than I was before. Oh well, I am still going to the movie. And I am doing my bio project so I can go to school tomorrow and go to the movies tomorrow night as well. I am determined to still see Finding Neverland as many times as possible.

Church was really cool this morning. It was a music service of peace songs. Though they brought up that there really aren't a lot of peace songs, there are much more anti-war songs. And most of you are probably saying peace is anti-war. Well first let me quote Rent: "The opposite of war isn't peace, it's creation." And secondly, this goes back to the way you look at it. You can look at trying to get rid of something, or you can focus on creating something else that is better in its place. Your choice.

Love to all cause love is good!

I Hope, I Think, I Know

They're trying hard to put me in my place
And that is why I've gotta keep running
The future is mine and it's no disgrace
Cos in the end the past means nothing
You tell me I'm free then you tie me down
And from my chains I think it's a pity
What did it cost you to wear my crown
You dont like me why don't you admit it

D'you feel a little down today?
Bet you ain't got much to say?
But your gonna miss me when I'm not there
You know I dont care, You know I dont care

As we beg and steal and borrow
Life is hit and miss and this
I Hope, I Think, I Know
And if I hear the names you call
If I stumble catch me when I fall
Cos baby after all, You'll never forget my name
~*~"I Hope, I Think, I Know" Oasis

So there you go. More things to think about, as I have been so faithfully doing at 3 in the morning for over a week now. I just haven't been able to sleep for days and days... I don't know why.

So tonight I went to a dinner at a church member's house. It was basically a thing for new members, which I'm not really, because I've gone to the church all my life, but I officially signed the book in October. (Cause you can't sign until you're a certain age and once I was I was then not frequenting church that frequently.)

Anywho. Mitch came over today for a few hours and we had fun. He brought this extremely strange card game that got really boring after a while, so he suicided all his cards and gave his AP points or whatever to me and I somehow won. *shurg* Don't ask, I don't plan on ever playing agian. We watched some good ol' Fairly Odd Parents and played a little bit of Game Cube (in which Mitch kicked my ass and then my brother kicked his ass) so all was just fascinating excitement.

I'm on now because I'm supposed to be talking to Leslie, but she isn't here... she's been idle for a while now. I can't believe I've been blown off! *gasp* Well! I'll show her! Yeah right. Can't do that. We're too cool. And we both know it... so we can never do anything to the other. We need eachother too much for our JDOCD (DON'T ASK unless you want to sit in a room with me for many many days as I read you articles and show you movies and talk and talk and talk about Johnny Depp. Trust me it happens. People die. Others come out half as crazy as me *cause you can't be as crazy, except Leslie* ok enough of that!)

So for now I'm just sitting here with my rants and musings raving, a few leaking out here and there into my typing. I really have some books I want to read that I should go tend to, but I'm kind of hoping Leslie will come back... She was here earlier, but I think wasn't on IM, so she became un-idle but still away-ish. Ok wow. That is quite an incoherent sentance. I'm not even going to try and rephrase it. Have fun with that one!

Haha this is what you get for reading the writings of a person who's on no sleep. It's sad that it's at this exact momnent, 10:52 and I am tired. Of course, there is no way I will be going to sleep, so I'm not even going to bother. So I'm just going to keep talking. Let me know how far you get before you decide you've had enough. It'll be a contest. The person who reads the most gets... um... I'll think of something good! Maybe by the end (hah) of this post, whenever that is. See you tomorrow, then!

I've been thinking a lot about what I do right in life. That's right, rather than focusing on bad things, I focus on good things now. Isn't that awesome for me??? It's a huge step that it's taken a long time to take. But look at this: if you focus on doing the things you do right, the things you do wrong won't be done anymore. They'll either become right too, or they'll go away. And before you say that's ridiculous (bull's pizzle, Mr. Barrie), how about just trying it? What harm can come of it? It's not going to ruin the good things, and the bad things are already bad, so who cares? It's up to you. I won't make you do anything. You all know that. Just think.

I've been telling you all to think a lot lately. Because actually thinking is different from just having thoughts. Haha, doesn't that sound like a paradox? Oh but it's not, my friends. If we define a thought as x (i.e "I'm hungry" "I have homework to do" "That idiot stole the TV. I was watching that!" "Johnny Depp is really hot!" well maybe that one's just me), then x= infinate possibilities. If thoughts = actions, we can call actions x squared. Thinking, however, is both a completely different field. It's on a different plane, if you will. Thinking is not x, because it doesn't result in any particular action. It's just thinking. In fact, thinking for me results in the non-action of not-sleeping.

Okay well my parents have actually figured out I should get off the computer. So have fun with my brain full of too much geometry and biology and I'll see you all later!

Love to all cause love is good!

Goodnight, Saigon

We met as soulmates on Parris Island
We left as inmates from an asylum
And we were sharp, as sharp as knives
And we were so gung-ho to lay down our lives

We had no cameras to shoot the landscape
We passed the hashpipe and played our doors tapes
And it was dark, so dark at night
And we held on to eachother
Like brother to brother
We promised our mother's we'd write

And we will all go down together
We said we'd all go down together
Yes we will all go down together

Remember Charlie
Remember Baker
They left their childhood on every acre
And who was wrong, and who was right?
It didn't matter in the thick of the fight

We held the day
In the plams
Of our hands
They ruled the night
And the night
Seemed to last as long as

Six weeks on Parris Island
We held the coastland, they held the highlands
And they were sharp, as sharp as knives
They heard the hum of our motors
They counted our rotors
And waited for us to arrive

And we will all go down together
We said we'd all go down together
Yes we will all go down together
~*~"Goodnight, Saigon" Billy Joel

Just some food for thought... It's an amazing song. Think about what you think it's about, and post your comments. Remind me to tell you later, like in a few days. Only if I get some comments!

Anywho. I feel sick today. I've been drinking tea with lemon and hot water with lemon and sucking on plain lemon and lemon cough drops and just for good measure, some more lemon. Ugh. Hopefully though Mitch will come over later. Then tonight I have a new church member's dinner to go to.

Tomorrow Molly and I *edit: and Alonzo (happy?)* are going to see Finding Neverland again. I might get to go on Monday too, with my family. That would be awesome because I haven't seen this movie nearly enough times!

Ok well still thoughts swirling... but only swirling, not writing. So I'm gonna go work on my bio project. Fun fun!

Love to all cause love is good!

When I'm Gone

There's another world inside of me that you may never see.
There's secrets in this life that I can't hide.
Somewhere in this darkness there's a life that I can't find.
Maybe it's too far away or maybe I'm just blind, maybe I'm just blind.

So hold me when I'm here right me when I'm wrong.
Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone.
Everything I am and everything in me
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be.
I'll never let you down even if I could.
I'd give up everything if only for your good.

So hold me when I'm here right me when I'm wrong.
You can hold me when I'm scared but you won't always be there,
So love me when I'm gone, love me when I'm gone
When your education x-ray cannot see under my skin.
I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends.
~*~"When I'm Gone" 3 Doors Down

Just another thought. Post 93

Defying Gravity

So if you care to find me
Look to the Western skies
As someone told me lately
Everyone deserves a chance to fly

And if I'm flyin solo
At least flying free
To those who ground me:
Take a message back, from me

Tell them how I am defying gravity
I'm flying high defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down
~*~"Defying Gravity" Wicked

Just think about it for a bit... It's all I've been doing lately. Not specifically about that song, of course, but just about stuff...

In a strange turn of events, I don't feel like elaborating on those muses tonight. So I won't.

Anywho. In other business there was early dismissal today (yay) and parent teacher confrences (why bother?). So there's that. I had drama class, and I guess it's getting better. I still can't stand a couple of the kids, but oh well. There will be people like that and I can either accept them as they are or be difficult and complain about it while they never change. Now think about which sounds better to you.

With that, I think I'm going to be done for the night. I really don't have anything I'm willing to talk about, and there is no point in rambling on and on, as I and so many of my friends are prone to doing.

Love to all cause love is good!

One Week

It’s been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side
and said I’m angry
Five days since you laughed at me saying
Get that together come back and see me
Three days since the living room,
I realized it’s all my fault, but couldn’t tell you
Yesterday you’d forgiven me
But it’ll still be two days till I say I’m sorry
~*~"One Week" Barenaked Ladies

A *friend* of mine sent me this song to me today and told me that once upon a time it was going to be to amend things between us. He had lost it and was sending it to me now. He said that things are different now, because I *of course* did something else and so he is still *not* talking to me.
Let me just say he does the most *not* talking to me of anyone I've ever been not talking to. Hope you got all that.

So anywho. I don't know what to write about. This is really just to please Lonzi cause he was complainin. I guess he has nothing better to do during the day since he's still sick. I miss you baby!

On another boy note, Mitch came over on Saturday and we had a good time taking my puppy for a walk and sliding over ice ponds and (in Mitch's case) falling into them. Came home frozen-footed, but oh well.

Not much else for now. Short day tomorrow and drama class. See you all then

Love to all cause love is good!

.45

Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd I
n these times of doing what you're told
Keep these feelings, no one knows

Whatever happened to the young man's heart Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

Chorus: And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45, Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed Staring down the barrel of a 45

Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

What ever happened to the young man's heart Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

CHORUS

Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe I believe
CHORUS
~*~".45" Shinedown

Ok so I haven't posted in about, um, a million years. There's so much to talk about, and no time for it all.

Well I'll just say that yesterday I met a Broadway producer and it was uber cool and exciting. Long story for another day. But anywho.

Actually I g2g. So hopefully I'll post again soon! Maybe tomorrow, if I miss school again. Because I am sick! woot woot. not really. hah. *tired*

Love to all cause love is good!

Fire Door

i opened the fire door

to four lips

none of which were mine

kissing

tightened my belt around my hips

where your hands were missing

and stepped out into the cold

collar high

under the slate gray sky

the air was smoking and the streets were dry

and i wasn't joking when i said

good bye

there were magazine quality men talking on the corner

french, no less much less of them then us

so why do i feel like something's been rearranged?

you know, taken out of context i must seem so strange

~*~"Fire Door" Ani DiFranco

So I'm writing again, tonight, because I can, and I want to. I wanted to post a poem I wrote a few days ago. So here's this.

The Saga of a Future Star

Once upon a time
In a land not far away
A maiden chose to go by plane
On a trip for 7 days

She took to the sky on silver wings
A bullet in the blue
'Twas her first trip by herself, alone
But afraid she was not, 'tis true

Hours later she arrived at last
In the city that never sleeps
When she stepped outside and saw the lights
She was quite ready to weep

The maiden stayed with nearby kin
Happy as never before
Fell asleep and dreamt
Of opportunities at her door

On the third day of that pioneer trip
The maiden and aunt took to the town
For the maiden's firs experience
Of opportunities of great reknown

They traveled 'cross George Washington Bridge
On their treck to old Broadway
To begin a life changing experience
Fated for that day

As the show progressed, the maiden watched
In awe, so glad she went
The saddest time was at the end
Of a musical called Rent

Back in her makeshift home
The maiden wrote fown her thought
And told her aunt all of the things
Her gift of the stage had brought

Finally on the seventh day
The time of departure came
Sad to leave, but sure to return
The maiden left, never the same

And evermore since then
The maiden has known in her heart
That she and New York City
Would never be apart.
--1/19/05

added by Kara Bickhem:

In the highest regard
The maiden held this city
Yet with grave concern
The maiden took pity

On a poor teacher
Of the english variety
Who needed her own trip
A bit of the "Bigg Apple" piety

So off into the sunset they rode
Amped for sume fun
Dinner and a show...
1/20/05

So let me know what you think guys... it's always great to hear from you all. Now I'm off, to... I don't know. But no point in going on about nothing.

Love to all cause love is good!

Summer, Highland Falls

They say that these are not the best of times
But they're the only times I've ever known
And I believe there is a time for meditation
In cathedrals of our own
Now, I have seen the sad surrender in my lover's eyes
I can only stand apart and sympathize
For we are always what our situations hand us
It's either sadness or euphoria
~*~"Summer, Highland Falls" Movin' Out

It's been less than 3 days since I've written, and yet things are so different from what they were on Thursday, and at the same time they are all exactly the same. What I can see now that I couldn't see before is that it's all in what I think it is. Nothing is real. I make it what I make it, and that is what it is. So for all of you who are wondering, that is what I have been doing this weekend. So if I have a strange conversation with you in the near future, it's only strange because that's the way you see it - because it's not what you're used to. That's okay. You don't have to get it, if you can just accept it and support me in being me.

What I've done this weekend is take a magic eraser and erase all the things I didn't like about my life. I gained the power to create whatever I want, or rather I became aware of the power that was always there. Some of you may be really skeptical, and I understand that. I get it. All I can say is that this was an amazing experience that I hope you all can have. Come do the Landmark Teen Forum which is what I did this weekend.

I have to recognize Molly and Alonzo for coming today and supporting me and seeing what I've been doing all weekend, instead of going to the movies or being on the phone. Molly got up early enough so that my mom and I could pick her up at 7 this morning and drive her downtown with us. She then spent several hours by herself in a strange building, with nothing to do except whatever she brought. Then they went back home and got Alonzo, where they then hung out at my house (without me there, mind you), not complaining about the wierdness of the situation. They then came back to the building and sat through some boring coaching sesison for parents, because the people there told them to go. But in the end, they were there for me, so that I knew I had their support and love. So thanks guys, for all you put of with today.

Also I want to let you all know that I called and talked to Shannon today - really talked to her - for the first time since she moved away about 2 years ago. Most of you know what a big deal that was for me. I'm reopening and regaining all the relationships I always wanted. I'm creating all these things for myself. And guess what - I'm a Broadway star. I may not be on Broadway, but I am already a Broadway star, because that is what I have chosen to be. And you guys may think that's all bull shit, a bunch of nonsense, that in a week I'll be like, I was crazy, life sucks. Well if I'm saying that, make sure I tell myself that I'm an idiot, because if I feel that way, it's my own fault. That's what I'm making it. And if you don't like my new attitude, up yours. You don't have to. But don't get pissy at me for it. Cause I love you all, and I honestly mean it.

Finally I have to do something I don't do often enough, or really at all. I have to say thank you to my parents and my brother for all that they do for me. I'm not nice to my brother nearly as much as I could be. There's no reason for me to not like him, or be mean to him. I know that now, and it's all going to be better. My parents too put up with all my crap. And for a while now, my mom has been able to really see what I was doing, because she took the forum. The difference now is that so have I, and I too can see what I'm going, and I'm committed to transforming that, taking charge of it. And added on to that - thanks to Nona for kicking this all off, and being one of my other moms. You go girl.

On an extenden family note, I want to thank Leslie, because she's been such a positive impact on my life even though we're 900 miles apart. That's nothing when you've got love (and a hot 41 year old man). So Leslie, thank you for all you've done for me. I always thought it was wierd how we related to eachother so well, with the age difference. But I see now that age is all in your head... I can really get that you helped me through when some times really sucked. And the 2 times I was at your house, for those almost 2 weeks, were 2 of the best weeks of my life. So thank you.

Oh one more thing I want to mention. Then I got to go, because I'm tired, it's late, and I'm getting up early to go exercise tomorrow. Anyway. What I want to say is thank you to all of the people who were in the forum with me. I especially have to thank Nia, Sierra, Jason, Scott, Sabrina, Nikole, Megan, Cody (even you), Joey, Spencer, Jenny and Stephanie, Jerod and Jarret, all of you guys kick major ass. Thanks so much for all of your sharing and for those of you that I named that I talked to, thank you even more. That goes a million times more for Jason and Sierra, who I don't think even know what they did for me. I hope when I get in touch with them again, (and I know I have the means to do that), that I can really get that to them. ::cyber hugs:: hope you guys get that. i know you will.

{And I'd like to thank the Academy... thank you and goodnight. lol}

Okay well you've all had enough for one night, I'm sure. So please please comment, because my new life is all about communication.

Love to all cause love is good! (I finally understand what that means!)

Time of Your Life

Another turning point a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go

So make the best of this test and don't ask why

It's not a question but a lesson learned in time



It's something unpredictable

But in the end is right

I hope you had the time of your life



So take the photographs and still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial

For what it's worth it was worth all the while



It's something unpredictable

But in the end is right

I hope you had the time of your life

~*~"Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" Green Day



Anyone in my English class is probably not surprised to see that song posted

 today... Anyway. I don't really have too much to say.

Today was a long day it seemed, but after school I had drama and that was

 fun as always. Then I went and worked out with my mom at Curves, and came

 home and ate. But who wants to hear about what I did today? Not even me! So

on to bigger and better things I suppose.



Anyway. So I've been thinking.(I know - *gasp*) Seriously. I've been thinking...

Well lots of things. And now that I'm going to talk about them, I don't

remember what I was going to say. So I'll just go grab some poetry and call

it a night.



In Reverse

Staring out my window

See people walking down my street

Wonder why they're here

Cause there's nothing here to see

Except people staring out their windows

And people walking down the street

While the window-people wonder

Just where they want to be

And they think:

~~~CHORUS

Anywhere but here would be

Just fine with me

Is there anywhere else I can go

What are other people doing

Outside my tiny world

I hate not knowing what I don't know

~~~

Rushing through the streets of lights

No time to stop and look around

Always running, always tired

From every sight and every sound

Those people running everywhere

All with too much to do

Each of them looking at someone else

Saying "It must suck to be you"

And they think:

Chorus

Everyone going somewhere else

No one where they want to be

Trapped in a life they don't like

Destined never to be free

And they think:

Chorus

And I think:

I am blessed

Knowing where I want to go

Not being where I want to be

But someday performing in a show

Living out the life I want

Somehow the lucky one

Knowing I have worked for this

When each day is done.

--1/12/04



So that's my song for y'all tonight. Lemme know what you think, please.

 (And don't steal it... **lol Jordan.*** anywho) Oh so I remembered what

 I was thinking about



I was thinking about people... They're so hard to figure out. The other day

 in crafts Jordan was telling me about a theory she and Alex had thought

up. I think it's quite interesting, and I think I agree. People are puzzles, and

each time you meet a person you get a new puzzle. Somtimes you never

open the box, just keep it around and then donate it to a charity after a

while (well, we do in my family). Other times there are people you want to

keep, and so you start putting their puzzle pieces together, to figure out

what the picture looks like. Some people are nice little 100 piece puzzles,

 others 500, some 1000, and some even 5000. Each person is different and

 it takes time to put the puzzle pieces together, and even longer to connect

 those little bits to the outside edges (because you always do the border first)

. I've found that I have some friends (or at least I think) and they are all like

 puzzles. Some I've got put together pretty well. Others, I had almost done,

 but then I blinked and in the meantime someone scrambled up all the

pieces again. And then there's the people I'm just starting to put together...

 I know, it's all very confusing. But if we look back, I think that's how I

started this out in the first place. The thing is, if people ask me how my

 relationships are with other people, I really just don't know what to tell

them. I never seem to actually know what's going on  in my relationships

 with people. No one calls just to talk to me, (except Lonzo - luv ya babe!)

. I always feel  like an after thought... I don't know. That's just the way it is

 I guess. So I don't let it get to me. Well I guess it must have, if I spent this

 long writing about it. Oh well. Comment, let me know your thoughts.



Love to all cause love is good! (oh so good... you have no idea. ;) )

Breathe

Breathe, breathe in the air
Don't be afraid to care
Leave but don't leave me
Look around and choose your own ground
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears yo'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be
~*~"Breathe" Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon

Post 86! I know, exciting, isn't it? Sure. Just go with it. Anyway. So once again, I am binding myself by a tv show. I somehow let myself get caught up in Battle of the Sexes 2 on MTV... I tell you that station is no good for me. And the second to last episode is on tonight so I have to go in a few minutes to see it. But in the meantime, let me throw out a few poems I wrote last night.

Pinhole View
My confusion
Of my own creation
Leaves me unable to see
Outside a tiny peek
From that extracted of the
So-called real world
But real is a relative term
That bends to fit anyone's needs
And therefore I allow you
To create your own outlook
Keep in mind you get just one.
And now your fate awaits you.
--1/16/05

Polarity
The light turns dark
I turn depressed
The dark turns light
I turn a blind eye to pessimism
The day turns to night
I turn to life and jump in head first
The night turns to day
I turn faded and silent
The screams turn to a whisper
I turn to an echo of a story long forgotten
The whisper turns to a scream
I turn to a burning memory emblazed on the sky of stars.
--1/16/05

Adaptation
I felt in the darkness
A presence next to me
PErhaps a figment of my imagination
Not relevant in any world but mine
Though it matters not
For people in such a world as theirs
Leave me lonely and wanting
More
Something I am sure to never have
And in this night
I leave you lonely
To be me and only me
For now and evermore.
--1/16/05

And that is all for now, my dear friends. But you know my name and number, and I'm always up for a chat. Oh one exciting thing though... My dad got me a Queer Eye calendar! Yay! I needed a calendar. And that was the one I wanted anyway. So I'm happy. Hah. Pathetic.

Love to all cause love is good!