Fire Door

i opened the fire door

to four lips

none of which were mine

kissing

tightened my belt around my hips

where your hands were missing

and stepped out into the cold

collar high

under the slate gray sky

the air was smoking and the streets were dry

and i wasn't joking when i said

good bye

there were magazine quality men talking on the corner

french, no less much less of them then us

so why do i feel like something's been rearranged?

you know, taken out of context i must seem so strange

~*~"Fire Door" Ani DiFranco

So I'm writing again, tonight, because I can, and I want to. I wanted to post a poem I wrote a few days ago. So here's this.

The Saga of a Future Star

Once upon a time
In a land not far away
A maiden chose to go by plane
On a trip for 7 days

She took to the sky on silver wings
A bullet in the blue
'Twas her first trip by herself, alone
But afraid she was not, 'tis true

Hours later she arrived at last
In the city that never sleeps
When she stepped outside and saw the lights
She was quite ready to weep

The maiden stayed with nearby kin
Happy as never before
Fell asleep and dreamt
Of opportunities at her door

On the third day of that pioneer trip
The maiden and aunt took to the town
For the maiden's firs experience
Of opportunities of great reknown

They traveled 'cross George Washington Bridge
On their treck to old Broadway
To begin a life changing experience
Fated for that day

As the show progressed, the maiden watched
In awe, so glad she went
The saddest time was at the end
Of a musical called Rent

Back in her makeshift home
The maiden wrote fown her thought
And told her aunt all of the things
Her gift of the stage had brought

Finally on the seventh day
The time of departure came
Sad to leave, but sure to return
The maiden left, never the same

And evermore since then
The maiden has known in her heart
That she and New York City
Would never be apart.
--1/19/05

added by Kara Bickhem:

In the highest regard
The maiden held this city
Yet with grave concern
The maiden took pity

On a poor teacher
Of the english variety
Who needed her own trip
A bit of the "Bigg Apple" piety

So off into the sunset they rode
Amped for sume fun
Dinner and a show...
1/20/05

So let me know what you think guys... it's always great to hear from you all. Now I'm off, to... I don't know. But no point in going on about nothing.

Love to all cause love is good!

Summer, Highland Falls

They say that these are not the best of times
But they're the only times I've ever known
And I believe there is a time for meditation
In cathedrals of our own
Now, I have seen the sad surrender in my lover's eyes
I can only stand apart and sympathize
For we are always what our situations hand us
It's either sadness or euphoria
~*~"Summer, Highland Falls" Movin' Out

It's been less than 3 days since I've written, and yet things are so different from what they were on Thursday, and at the same time they are all exactly the same. What I can see now that I couldn't see before is that it's all in what I think it is. Nothing is real. I make it what I make it, and that is what it is. So for all of you who are wondering, that is what I have been doing this weekend. So if I have a strange conversation with you in the near future, it's only strange because that's the way you see it - because it's not what you're used to. That's okay. You don't have to get it, if you can just accept it and support me in being me.

What I've done this weekend is take a magic eraser and erase all the things I didn't like about my life. I gained the power to create whatever I want, or rather I became aware of the power that was always there. Some of you may be really skeptical, and I understand that. I get it. All I can say is that this was an amazing experience that I hope you all can have. Come do the Landmark Teen Forum which is what I did this weekend.

I have to recognize Molly and Alonzo for coming today and supporting me and seeing what I've been doing all weekend, instead of going to the movies or being on the phone. Molly got up early enough so that my mom and I could pick her up at 7 this morning and drive her downtown with us. She then spent several hours by herself in a strange building, with nothing to do except whatever she brought. Then they went back home and got Alonzo, where they then hung out at my house (without me there, mind you), not complaining about the wierdness of the situation. They then came back to the building and sat through some boring coaching sesison for parents, because the people there told them to go. But in the end, they were there for me, so that I knew I had their support and love. So thanks guys, for all you put of with today.

Also I want to let you all know that I called and talked to Shannon today - really talked to her - for the first time since she moved away about 2 years ago. Most of you know what a big deal that was for me. I'm reopening and regaining all the relationships I always wanted. I'm creating all these things for myself. And guess what - I'm a Broadway star. I may not be on Broadway, but I am already a Broadway star, because that is what I have chosen to be. And you guys may think that's all bull shit, a bunch of nonsense, that in a week I'll be like, I was crazy, life sucks. Well if I'm saying that, make sure I tell myself that I'm an idiot, because if I feel that way, it's my own fault. That's what I'm making it. And if you don't like my new attitude, up yours. You don't have to. But don't get pissy at me for it. Cause I love you all, and I honestly mean it.

Finally I have to do something I don't do often enough, or really at all. I have to say thank you to my parents and my brother for all that they do for me. I'm not nice to my brother nearly as much as I could be. There's no reason for me to not like him, or be mean to him. I know that now, and it's all going to be better. My parents too put up with all my crap. And for a while now, my mom has been able to really see what I was doing, because she took the forum. The difference now is that so have I, and I too can see what I'm going, and I'm committed to transforming that, taking charge of it. And added on to that - thanks to Nona for kicking this all off, and being one of my other moms. You go girl.

On an extenden family note, I want to thank Leslie, because she's been such a positive impact on my life even though we're 900 miles apart. That's nothing when you've got love (and a hot 41 year old man). So Leslie, thank you for all you've done for me. I always thought it was wierd how we related to eachother so well, with the age difference. But I see now that age is all in your head... I can really get that you helped me through when some times really sucked. And the 2 times I was at your house, for those almost 2 weeks, were 2 of the best weeks of my life. So thank you.

Oh one more thing I want to mention. Then I got to go, because I'm tired, it's late, and I'm getting up early to go exercise tomorrow. Anyway. What I want to say is thank you to all of the people who were in the forum with me. I especially have to thank Nia, Sierra, Jason, Scott, Sabrina, Nikole, Megan, Cody (even you), Joey, Spencer, Jenny and Stephanie, Jerod and Jarret, all of you guys kick major ass. Thanks so much for all of your sharing and for those of you that I named that I talked to, thank you even more. That goes a million times more for Jason and Sierra, who I don't think even know what they did for me. I hope when I get in touch with them again, (and I know I have the means to do that), that I can really get that to them. ::cyber hugs:: hope you guys get that. i know you will.

{And I'd like to thank the Academy... thank you and goodnight. lol}

Okay well you've all had enough for one night, I'm sure. So please please comment, because my new life is all about communication.

Love to all cause love is good! (I finally understand what that means!)

Time of Your Life

Another turning point a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go

So make the best of this test and don't ask why

It's not a question but a lesson learned in time



It's something unpredictable

But in the end is right

I hope you had the time of your life



So take the photographs and still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial

For what it's worth it was worth all the while



It's something unpredictable

But in the end is right

I hope you had the time of your life

~*~"Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" Green Day



Anyone in my English class is probably not surprised to see that song posted

 today... Anyway. I don't really have too much to say.

Today was a long day it seemed, but after school I had drama and that was

 fun as always. Then I went and worked out with my mom at Curves, and came

 home and ate. But who wants to hear about what I did today? Not even me! So

on to bigger and better things I suppose.



Anyway. So I've been thinking.(I know - *gasp*) Seriously. I've been thinking...

Well lots of things. And now that I'm going to talk about them, I don't

remember what I was going to say. So I'll just go grab some poetry and call

it a night.



In Reverse

Staring out my window

See people walking down my street

Wonder why they're here

Cause there's nothing here to see

Except people staring out their windows

And people walking down the street

While the window-people wonder

Just where they want to be

And they think:

~~~CHORUS

Anywhere but here would be

Just fine with me

Is there anywhere else I can go

What are other people doing

Outside my tiny world

I hate not knowing what I don't know

~~~

Rushing through the streets of lights

No time to stop and look around

Always running, always tired

From every sight and every sound

Those people running everywhere

All with too much to do

Each of them looking at someone else

Saying "It must suck to be you"

And they think:

Chorus

Everyone going somewhere else

No one where they want to be

Trapped in a life they don't like

Destined never to be free

And they think:

Chorus

And I think:

I am blessed

Knowing where I want to go

Not being where I want to be

But someday performing in a show

Living out the life I want

Somehow the lucky one

Knowing I have worked for this

When each day is done.

--1/12/04



So that's my song for y'all tonight. Lemme know what you think, please.

 (And don't steal it... **lol Jordan.*** anywho) Oh so I remembered what

 I was thinking about



I was thinking about people... They're so hard to figure out. The other day

 in crafts Jordan was telling me about a theory she and Alex had thought

up. I think it's quite interesting, and I think I agree. People are puzzles, and

each time you meet a person you get a new puzzle. Somtimes you never

open the box, just keep it around and then donate it to a charity after a

while (well, we do in my family). Other times there are people you want to

keep, and so you start putting their puzzle pieces together, to figure out

what the picture looks like. Some people are nice little 100 piece puzzles,

 others 500, some 1000, and some even 5000. Each person is different and

 it takes time to put the puzzle pieces together, and even longer to connect

 those little bits to the outside edges (because you always do the border first)

. I've found that I have some friends (or at least I think) and they are all like

 puzzles. Some I've got put together pretty well. Others, I had almost done,

 but then I blinked and in the meantime someone scrambled up all the

pieces again. And then there's the people I'm just starting to put together...

 I know, it's all very confusing. But if we look back, I think that's how I

started this out in the first place. The thing is, if people ask me how my

 relationships are with other people, I really just don't know what to tell

them. I never seem to actually know what's going on  in my relationships

 with people. No one calls just to talk to me, (except Lonzo - luv ya babe!)

. I always feel  like an after thought... I don't know. That's just the way it is

 I guess. So I don't let it get to me. Well I guess it must have, if I spent this

 long writing about it. Oh well. Comment, let me know your thoughts.



Love to all cause love is good! (oh so good... you have no idea. ;) )

Breathe

Breathe, breathe in the air
Don't be afraid to care
Leave but don't leave me
Look around and choose your own ground
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears yo'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be
~*~"Breathe" Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon

Post 86! I know, exciting, isn't it? Sure. Just go with it. Anyway. So once again, I am binding myself by a tv show. I somehow let myself get caught up in Battle of the Sexes 2 on MTV... I tell you that station is no good for me. And the second to last episode is on tonight so I have to go in a few minutes to see it. But in the meantime, let me throw out a few poems I wrote last night.

Pinhole View
My confusion
Of my own creation
Leaves me unable to see
Outside a tiny peek
From that extracted of the
So-called real world
But real is a relative term
That bends to fit anyone's needs
And therefore I allow you
To create your own outlook
Keep in mind you get just one.
And now your fate awaits you.
--1/16/05

Polarity
The light turns dark
I turn depressed
The dark turns light
I turn a blind eye to pessimism
The day turns to night
I turn to life and jump in head first
The night turns to day
I turn faded and silent
The screams turn to a whisper
I turn to an echo of a story long forgotten
The whisper turns to a scream
I turn to a burning memory emblazed on the sky of stars.
--1/16/05

Adaptation
I felt in the darkness
A presence next to me
PErhaps a figment of my imagination
Not relevant in any world but mine
Though it matters not
For people in such a world as theirs
Leave me lonely and wanting
More
Something I am sure to never have
And in this night
I leave you lonely
To be me and only me
For now and evermore.
--1/16/05

And that is all for now, my dear friends. But you know my name and number, and I'm always up for a chat. Oh one exciting thing though... My dad got me a Queer Eye calendar! Yay! I needed a calendar. And that was the one I wanted anyway. So I'm happy. Hah. Pathetic.

Love to all cause love is good!

The Show Must Go On

ZIDLER
Another hero
Another mindless crime
Behind the curtain
In the pantomime

On and on
Does anbody know
What we are living for
Whatever happened
We leave it all to chance
Another heartache,
Another failed romance

On and on
Does anybody know
What we are living for
The show must go on
The show must go on

Outside the dawn is breaking
On the stage that will
Control our final destiny
The show must go on
The show must go on

SATINE
Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

ZIDLER, SATINE, & CHORUS
The show must go on
The show must go on

SATINE
I'll top the bill
I'll earn the kill
I have to find the will to carry on

ALL
On with the
On with the
On with the show
~*~"On With the Show" Moulin Rouge

Hey hey everybody. I was gonna post some poetry, but Will and Grace is on. So hold on a moment. I'll be back at commercial.

Okay so anyway. Not a lot of time so let me get to the poetry.

Economic
Here is what we live in
A world of no return
Money is popularity
We measure destruction in dollars
More valuable than human lives
Se we send out our death armies
Who futily fight for good
To only kill and in turn
Be killed
A war, costing millions of dollars
But what is the cost
Of one fatal gunshot?
The measure of a life
--1/11/05

All I have time for now, actually. I have to go make dinner. More later though, after my chiropractor's appointment. What fun.

Love to all cause love is good!

Finale B

WOMEN
I can't control
My destiny
I trusy my soul
My only goal
Is just to be

Without you
The hand gropes
The ear hears
The pulse beats
Lofe goes on
But I'm gone
Cause I die without you
I die without you
I die without you
I die without you

MEN (simultaneously)
Will I lose my dignity
Will someone
Care
Will I wake tomorrow
From this
Nightmare

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear

No other path
No other way
No day
But today

No day but today

ALL
No day but today
~*~"Finale B" RENT

And so we conclude, my fine ladies and gentlemen, in a quite fitting manner.

Um, don't ask. I'm in a very odd state right now. Feeling kind of shitty, actually. Johnny and the rest of Finding Neverland got gipped at the Golden Globes tonight. So did Will and Grace. So the night was rather a bore and a big disappointment. Only highligts: seeing Johnny, Kate Winslet, Debra Messing, Eric Macormick, Charlize Theron, and Nicole Kidman (though she had terrible hair... like she was wearing an old lady wig from... well she's never been an old lady. I don't know. Maybe from what's that movie... the one where she had the fake nose. White Oleander maybe. but anywho. I digress)

Well, not much to say really. Did have a good time at lunch today with Bev and Alice. We went to a place in Homewood called Eat Rice. It was good stuff. Then we went back to their house and watched this movie called Defending Your Life. More good stuff. I liked it a lot. I had never heard of Arthur Brooks before, but he's a cool guy.

Anywho. I would post poems, but once again they are all the way up in my room. Oh and btw - that e-mail address up there doesn't work. Don't try it. Sorry.

So now that you're all confused, I think I'll leave you all to contemplate the meaningful meaning of what I just said. In the meantime, I will write some poems and watch a Johnny Depp movie. I bid you adeiu.

Love to all cause love is good!

Your Eyes

ROGER
Your eyes...
As we said our goodbyes
Can't get them out of my mind
And I find
I can't hide (from)

Your eyes
The ones that took me by surprise
The night you came into my life
Where there's moonlight I see
Your eyes

How'd I let you slip away
When I'm longing so to hold you?
Now I'd die for one more day
Cause there's something I should have told you
Yes there's something I should have told you
When I looked into

Your eyes
Why does distance make us wise?
You were the song all along
And before the song dies

I should tell you
I should tell you
I have always loved you
You can see it in
My eyes
~*~"Your Eyes" RENT

One more guys! I know you're all ready to be done with these songs. Much as I love them, I want to be able to use other stuff. There's some kick ass songs that deserve a place at the beginning of a post.

Anywho. I know I haven't posted in a while so this is just a big hello to everyone out there who's had nothing to read since whenever the last time I posted was. I'm in the midst of a 5 day weeked, which is awesome, except that now we have an extra day of school at the end of the year to make up for Thursday, when we had a sewer problem.

In the meantime, I've been reading for English, watching movies *wink wink* (Johnny *faint*), watching Queer Eye (Jai *faint*), and going to Curves with my mom. Today my dad's friend Cliff came over and helped us fix our very messed up bathroom floor (details of which I won't get into other than to say there were moldy floorboards from a leeky toilet). Tomorrow my mom and I are going out to lunch with Alice and her mom, and then we're going to watch movies at their house. It will be good fun.

Other things to talk about! Nia spent last weekend at our house. It was good to see her again and just hang out for a few days. We watched a couple scary movies. Well, one actually, Carrie, and then Blair Witch Project 2. That movie was just stupid. Carrie, on the other hand, had a freaky Jesus statue that will haunt me until I die. That movie was cuh-ray-zee. Seriously though. We watched it at about 10 at night, alone in the dark, while my parents were out and my brother was sleeping. Just the right ambiance to get really freaked out.
Last Sunday was the People's Choice Awards, and tre magnifique, Johnny won for favorite actor. Woot! He was there to accept the award, but he did a live via satellite thingy. He doesn't like talking in public anyhow, so I'm sure that was much more convenient.
Then on Monday was the Critic's Choice Awards, where Finding Neverland had 7 nominations. (woot woot!) It won 2, for best young actor (Freddie Highmore - Peter Davies) and for best family film. In addition it was nominated for best actor (Johnny), best supporting actress (Kate Winslet *faint*), best firector (Mark Forester), best screenwriter (can't remember his name. but I met him in New York), and *gasp* for BEST FILM. That was quite an exciting night.
Wednesday I went over to Forest Trail to see all my old teachers cause we had an early realease. That was good fun. I gotta say, I don't miss the school, but I do miss my teachers. Mrs. Brennan's 50th is coming up, and I'll have to do something special for her.

But anyway. I think I've said enough for now. Next time I post, I may remember to grab some poetry for you all to read. Maybe.

Love to all cause love is good!

Finale

COLLINS
I had a little hunch
You could use
A little flow

ROGER
Tutoring again?

COLLINS
Negative

MARK
Back at NYU?

COLLINS
No, no, no
I rewired the ATM at the fool
Emporium
To provide an honorarium to anyone
With the code

ROGER & MARK
The code...
Well...?

COLLINS
A-N-G-E-L
~*~"Finale" RENT

How ironic to start the new year with a finale. Somehow seems fitting, actually. Only 2 more songs though, guys. I promise.

Just wanted to say hi. Don't have time to post... need to go do stuff. But life has been good lately. Can't wait to start drama on thursday and get back to ITC. Haven't been there since Frog and Toad closed on December 19th! OMG such a long time!

Love to all cause love is good!

Voice Mail #5

ROGER & MARK'S VOICE
"Speak..." (beep)

ROGER'S MOTHER
Roger
This is your mother
Roger, honey I don't get these postcards
"Moving to Santa Fe"
"Back in New York
Starting a rock band"
Roger, where are you? Please call

MIMI'S MOTHER
Mimi, chica, donde esta?
Tu mama esta yamando
Donde estas Mimi call

MR. JEFFERSON
Kittern - whereever are you - call

MRS. COHEN
Mark - are you there - are you there
I don't know if he's there
We're all here wishing you were here too
Where are you Mark are you there are
You where are you
Mark - are you there - are you there
I don't know if please call your mother
~*~"Voice Mail #5" RENT

This is post 81! How exciting. Ok, not really. But I just wanted to keep track of how many posts I had. Merry Christmas everyone! (And Christma-Hannu-kwanzaa-kah-yule, for you festive holiday people like me)

Hope you all got cool presents for whatever holiday you celebrate. I miss you all lots! South Dakota isn't at all exiting. As always. We're leaving either tomorrow or Monday though. So it's all good, I guess. Earlier I thought of something I wanted to say, but now I forgot. I'll post again later if I remember, I guess.

Love to all, cause love is good!

What You Own

ROGER
Just tighten those shoulders

MARK
Just clench your jaw till you frown

ROGER
Just don't let go

BOTH
Or you may drown
You're living in America
At the end of the millenium
You're living in America
Where it's like the Twilight Zone

And when you're living in America
At the end of the millenium
You're what you own

So I own not a notion
I escape and ape content
I don't own emotion - I rent

MARK
What was it about that night

ROGER
What was it about that night

BOTH
Connection - in an isolating age
~*~"What You Own" RENT

Okay so no more of those crazy long songs! hah! um... yeah. BORED OUT OF MY MIND!!! People send me e-mails or something I have nothing to do out here... Blah. Can't wait to get home and back to my life. Hmmm. I have nothing to write about. what else is new? Maybe I'll go to bed! *gasp* very well then. comment and i'll post something interersting! somehow... I'll find something!

Goodbye Love

MIMI
It's true you sold your guitar and
Bought a car?

ROGER
It's true - I'm leaving now for Santa Fe
It's true you're with this yuppie scum?

BENNY
You said you'd never speak to him again

MIMI
Not now

MAUREEN
Who said that you have any say
In who she says things to at all?

ROGER
Yeah!

JOANNE
Who said that you should stick your
Nose in other people's...

MAUREEN
Who said I was talking to you?

JOANNE
We used to have this
Fight each night
She'd never admit
I existed

MIMI
He was the same way - He was always
"Run away - hit the road
Don't commit" - You're full of shit

JOANNE
She's in denial

MIMI
He's in denial

JOANNE
Didn't give an inch
When I gave a mile

MIMI
I gave a mile

ROGER
Gave a mile to who?

MARK
Come on guys, chill!

MIMI & JOANNE
I'd be happy to die for a taste
Of what Angel had
Some one to live for - unafraid
To say I love you

ROGER
All your words are nice Mimi
But love's not a three way street
You'll never share real love
Until you love yourself - I should know

COLLINS
You all said you'd be cool today
So please - for my sake

I can't believe he's gone
I can't believe you're going
I can't believe this family must die

Angel helped us believe in love
I can't believe you disagree

ALL
I can't believe this is goodbye

MARK
I hear there are great restaurants
Out west

ROGER
Some of the best.
How could she?

MARK
How could you let her go?

ROGER
I just don't know...
How could we lose Angel?

MARK
Maybe you'll see why when you stop
Escaping your pain
At least now if you try - Angel's death
Won't be in vain

ROGER
His death is in vain

MARK
Are you insane?
There's so much to care about
There's me - there's Mimi -

ROGER
Mimi's got her baggage too

MARK
So do you

ROGER
Who are you to tell me what I know
What to do?

MARK
A friend

ROGER
But who, Mark, are you?
"Mark has got his work"
They say "Mark lives for his work"
And "Mark's in love with his work"
Mark hides in his work

MARK
From what?

ROGER
From facing your failure, facing your
Lonliness
Facing the fact you live a lie
Yes, you live a lie - tell you why

You're always preaching not to be numb
But that's how you thrive
You pretend to create and observe when you really
Detatch from feeling alive

MARK
Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us
To survive

ROGER
Poor baby

MARK
Mimi still loves Roger
Is Roger really jealous
Or afraid that Mimi's weak

ROGER
Mimi did look pale

MARK
Mimi's gotten thin
Mimi's running out of time
Roger's running out the door

ROGER
No more! oh no!
I've gotta go

MARK
Hey, for somebody who's always been let down,
Who's heading out of town?

ROGER
For someone who longs for a community of his own,
Who's with his camera, alone?

I'll call
I hate the fall

You heard?

MIMI
Every word
You don't want baggage
Without lifetime guarantees

You don't want to watch me die
I just came to say goodbye love
Goodbye love
Came to say goodbye, love, goodbye

ROGER
Glory
One blaze of
Glory
I have to find

MIMI
Please don't touch me
Understand
I'm scared
I need to go away

MARK
I knw a plave - A clinic

Benny
A rehab?

MIMI
Maybe-- could you?

BENNY
I'll pay

MIMI
Goodbye love
Goodbye love
Came to say goodbye, love, goodbye

Just came to say
Goodbye, love
Goodbye, love
Goodbye, love
Hello, disease
~*~"Goodbye Love" RENT

Wow I didn't realize what a long song that was. Sorry guys. Anyway. Things are very... upside down I guess. I'm in South Dakota right now. Everybody else is upstairs. I'm hangin out down here for a little while. It's nice... I have a bedroom to myself in the basement. So if I want, I can go on in the middle of the night and no one will know. So maybe you'll all see me later. Right now I better go, because I'm not supposed to be on...

Love to all cause love is good!

Halloween

MARK
How did we get here
How the hell...
Pan left
Close on the steeple of the church
How did I get here
How the hell...
Christmas
Christmas Eve last year
How could a night so frozen
Be so scalding hot
How could a morning this mild
Be so raw
Why are entire years strewn on the cutting room floor of memory
When single frames of one magic night
Forever flicker in close up
On the 3-D imax of my mind
That's poetic
That's pathetic
Why did Mimi knock in Roger's door
And Collins choose that phone booth
Back where Angel set up his drums?
Why did Maureen's equipment break down?
Why am I the witness
And when I capture it on film
Will it mean that it's the end
And I'm alone?
~*~"Halloween" RENT

Counting down... 6 more to go! It would be nice if I could finish before the new year but we'll see how that goes. So here's what's up (since I haven't posted in 3 weeks):

1. I am in the midst of "A Year with Frog and Toad" and ITC... working backstage
2. Speech is taking up what's left of my life, practicing 2-3 days a week plus Saturday meets that last about 12 hours (yes 12, not 2).
3. Thrown in are the occasional dance class or drama class, when I can get to them
4. Oh yeah, then there's that thing called homework that my teachers expect me to have done every day. Hah! (Yeah well, that's what music theatre class is for...)

Anybody see friends mentioned in there anywhere? Yeah me neither... Although i do get to see people at school, and some people at drama, dance, and speech. Then there's my F&T cast; they're some of the most awesome people ever. Here's a comprehensive (ish) look at my upcoming 3 weeks till the end of the year:

Tuesday, December 14, 2004: We have finals, so school gets out at 1:25. But I never leave then, right? So I have speech practice till 4. Then I'm actually home for a while (maybe) until dance at 7, home at 9:30

Wednesday, December 15, 2004: Again finals, and again speech. Then home for a while (maybe) until Frog and Toad at 7. I get home at 10.

Thursday, December 16, 2004: Again finals, and actually home after school ! But wait, I have a 1:45 ortho appointment. Then home (maybe) till drama at 4. Home at 6. Then back to the theatre for Frog and Toad at 7.

Friday, December 17, 2004: NO SCHOOL! But speech practice from 12-4 (maybe) and Frog and Toad from 7 to 10.

Saturday, December 18, 2004: Speech meet from 6-6. Off to ITC at 7 for Frog and Toad.

Sunday, December 19, 2004: Picking my sorry ass up and draging myself to church at 9, home at 12 (I got dragged into the Christmas pagaent... again). Then... gasp. ITC at 1:30 for Frog and Toad. Cast party in between shows, cause it's closing night. Another show at 7:30 (I would have to be there at 6:30). Home around 9:30.

Monday, December 20, 2004: Somewhere in the last week I must have packed, because we're leaving for South Dakota. Happy holidays.

Monday, December 27. 2004: We leave South Dakota, only 2 days after Christmas.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004: Home in time to leave again to go to a YRUU (youth group) sleepover at my church to plan for our CON!!!

Wednesday, December 29, 2004: SLEEP. And off to the chiropractor in the evening because my back is a MESS

Thursday, December 30, 2004: SLEEP (gasp - nothing else???) Oh no wait, I have a bio project I have to do at some point. This must be the day.

Friday, December 31, 2004: Must still be working on that bio project. And I've got a partay to go to in the evening cause it's New-Year's EVE!!! (I've got a song for that!)

And that's the whole year... Wow I can get a lot done when I'm not doing anything else. This only took half an hour. Now I'm going to watch Will & Grace.

I'll Cover You (Reprise)

COLLINS
Live in my house
I'll be your shelter
Just pay me back with 1000 kisses
Be my lover
And I'll cover you

Open your door - I'll be your tenant
Don't got much bagage
To lay at your feet
But sweet kisses I've got to spare
I'll be there - I'll cover you

I think they meant it
When they said you can't buy love
Now I know you can rent it
A new lease you were, my love, on life

All my life
I've longed to discover
Something as true
As this is

(So with a thousand sweet kisses I'll cover you)
If you're cold and you're lonely
(With a thousand sweet kisses I'll cover you)
You've got one nickel only
(With a thousand sweet kisses I'll cover you)
When you're worn out and tired
(With a thousand sweet kisses I'll cover you)
When your heart has expired

525, 600 minutes
525,600 moments so dear
525,600 - measure a year
Oh lover, I'll cover you
Oh lover, I'll cover you
Oh lover

I'll cover you

525,600 minutes
525, 600 seasons of love

I'll cover you
~*~"I'll Cover You (Reprise)" RENT

Wow... These songs are taking forever to get through! Ahhhh! Anyway. On to other things, because I will not be spazmatic today. I don't have the energy.

Got home last night around 1 in the morning. The cast party was fun. It ended up being at Eddie's house instead of Eric's, but that was fine. Got to have a big group conversation about stuff with a lot of people. Kevin, Justine, Linda etc. were fun to be around, and I got to talk to people I hadn't really talked to during the show. Micheal didn't come to the cast party, but I did get to talk to him backstage, and that was good.

Today I went to church and we had soup kitchen!!! Wooo! Never underestimate the power of food to get people to come to things. I haven't seen that many people at church in a while. And then I got to go to my first congregational meeting, because I'm a member now! (woot woot) That was really fun, actually, because it went smoothly and only lasted 40 minutes. Unlike our infamous 4 hour meetings. So after that me and Mandy went and saw Finding Neverland. That movie puts a smile in my heart. So does Mandy. :)

Okay anyway. Gonna try and post at least a poem, because I need to go in 5 minutes, again.

Uprising
To stand for something
Is to be worth something
But what do I stand for?

I stand for equality
That I am afraid to defend

I stand for love
That I know nothing about

I stnad for peace
That I can not create

I stand for myself
That I am afraid to be.
--11.17.04

Closer Yet
I find it rather inconvenient
Falling in love with
Straight girls
Gay boys
What am I to do
So that I'm not
Left alone?
--11.17.04

Non-Existant Hallucinations
It's very lonely
In the silence
Waiting for the voices
That I know will come
Because I hate so much
To be alone that
I fabricate my life
With nonesistant
Hallucinations
If ever they were
To go away
I would be doomed
To insanity
If I'm not
Insane already
--11.18.04

Okay, going for now. Love to all cause love is good.

Contact

ANGEL
Take me
Take me
Take me
Today for you
Tomorrow for me
Today me
Tomorrow you
Tomorrow
You, love
You, love
You, love
I love you
I love you
Take me
Take me
I love you
~*~"Contact" RENT

So things have been interesting lately... So much going on. Had opening night of the play last night, and that went well... Closing night tonight! Trying to make sure all my speech stuff is memorized for the big SICA speech meet on Tuesday. I have a new job now at ITC, working backstage and stuff, so all details coming up in this issue of my blog! (too much coffee this morning)

Last night went well. Very well, I think. No big disasters. And afterwards almost the entire cast went out to eat at Baker's Square. Talked to Michael about some stuff... I rode in Eddie's car. It was fun. lol. Didn't get home till about 12:30 and went to bed at 2.

Tonight there's a cast party after the show at Eric's house. That shall be much fun also. I think just about everybody is going to that too. More about that after it's happened.

Still working on getting my OO memorized properly. Hadn't been doing so because Morain was supposed to help me rewrite it and that didn't happen. Oh well. Things are going okay, I think.

And yeah, now I'm working backstage for "A Year With Frog and Toad" at ITC. I have to do some puppet work, and help out with props and costumes and stuff, so from now until December 19th I have no life because I will be at rehearsal almost every day and then I have to be at every show. How exciting! But it does pay well, so that's okay. It will be fun and awesome.

I was gonna post poems, but I have to go because I need to be at school in 20 minutes, and I better make sure I'm ready for my ride to pick me up. See you all later!

Voicemail #4

ALEXI DARLING
Mark Cohen
Alexi Darling
Labor Day Weekend
In East-Ampton
On the beach
Just saw Alec Baldwin
Told him you said "hi"
Just kidding
We still need directors
You still need money
You know you need money
Don't be afraid of ker-ching ker-ching
Markie, sell us your soul
Just kidding
We're waiting
~*~"Voicemail #4" RENT

Not much to say today. I'm busy, but it's all with the same stuff all the time, so there's nothing interesting to tell you guys, except something I can't tell you. Anywho.

I suppose I can post poems as I always do. Though I've written some I'm not going to post, because they're private. Okay but here goes.

Oh wait, nvm. There's only a few and I don't wanna post them. Sorry.

Alonzo I love you very very much and I'm here for you... So is someone else! (AAHHHH!!!!) {shutting up before I get myself in trouble}

So as I was saying. Let's see... Been feelin kinda sad lately. Not totally sure why. Just lonely, I guess, even though I have a few friends... Hmh. Interesting, isn't it, how the human mind works? Damnit... I'm about to get into a philisophical thing (as I so often do), and now I g2g.

Love to all cause love is good. (post comments! just for the hell of it!)

Without You

MIMI
Without you
The seeds root
The flowers bloom
The children play
The stars gleam
The poets dream
The eagles fly
Without you
The earth turns
The sun burns
But I die
Without you
~*~"Without You" RENT

And that song just goes on and on for ever, so we'll leave it at that. Anyway. Got into a thoughtful mood last night around midnight and wrote some poems, which I'd like to share along with a few others I wrote a while back, (BTW - it's it amazing? I'm on 2 whole days in a row! not weeks, days!)

A New Kind of Love
When I see your eyes
They sparkle like stars
And when I see your mouth
You face shines like the moon
As you walk through the field
I am watching you
Then it starts to rain
And I am sad for you
I want to bring you an umbrella
But then you'd know I was watching
So I wait for you to pass
And suddenly you are dancing
Spinning away the raindrops
Becoming a beautiful fountain
Flashing in the spray
I cannot hold back any longer
So I run to dance with you
I run between the raindrops
And then blend in with the falling
When the rain stops
The sun comes out
And finally you notice me
Because we are alone
Our gazes meet and I know
We are the same
I feel your soul
Never did I know such a connection existed
As the one I feel with you now
So please just love me
Together we can fight any opposition
In this hateful world.
--11.5.04

Real World
Finally things
Are going your way
So maybe you don't
Have to be scared
Anymore.
Things are going so well
It's as though
You left the real world
Behind. And left
Me behind in it.
--11.9.04

For Forgiving
It has taken me
All this time to realize
That we were never
Meant to be
But I still wish
I hadn't given up
Yes I know now that I
Gave up
I am lucky just to
Have you
As a friend
I hope he knows
How lucky he is
Better than I did.
--11.9.04

Storms Ahead
I caught you like
A wispy cloud
So sweet and innocent
Honest and caring
What we had was beautiful

But you can't hold clouds for long.
--11.12.04

For Mandy
This
A poem
For one of the
Strongest people
I know
Who is caring
Original
Sensitive
Enthusiastic
Encouraging
Understanding
Pure
And for all this
A beautiful person
Who I love.
--11.14.04

For Alonzo
After all
That I've done
The only thing
I can do now
Is say I'm sorry
And thank you
Because I want you
To be happy
That's the least
You deserve
For all that you've done
For me.
--11.14.04

For Chi Chi
There was a time
You never knew about
Whe I was just glad
To have you there
I am still glad
You're here now because
I don't know what I'd do
Without you.
--11/14/04

For Shannon
I only want to asky
Why you don't care
That we lost such a bond
How best friends
Could become strangers
Part of me will always
Be empry because
You meant - mean
So much to me
Through all the moments
We shared
And thoughts we never spoke
But always knew
Were there
I was told friends are forever
I guess forever
Wasn't long enough.
--11.14.04

For Molly
What can I say
That hasn't been said
Before?
I am tired of repeating myself
And being unappreciated
You want to make this work
Then work
Is what you'll
Have to do.
--11.14.04

LinZ Says
LinZ says people
Are like trains
Picking up friends
Like passengers
And dropping others
Off.
Some are lazy
And didn't want to go far
So they only ride
For one stop
But some people
Stay on forever
Because they think it's fun
To ride the train.
If that train ever
Goes off course,
The passengers
May die too.
--11.14.04

And with that, I leave you to mull over your thoughts (and mine) and then post comments. Please! More coming soon, my mind is still buzzing. Love to all cause love is good.

Seasons of Love B

COMPANY
In diapers, report cards,
In spoked wheels and speeding tickets
In contracts, dollars, in funerals in births in
525,600 minutes
How do you fingure
A last year on earth

Figure in love
Figure in love
Figure in love
Measure in love

Seasons of love
~*~"Seasons of Love B" RENT

Ok so what, a week has gone by now? I've been soo frickin busy! ARG! And thanks everybody for commenting. Thank you, anonymous, for showing your ignorance. And squishy... if it makes you feel better, then I'm happy to be here. Anyway. So not much time, as usual, just wanted to check in and say hey before I'm off again. Been super busy with everything. Had my first speech meet yesterday. That was fun. and a litttle scary. But it's all good. And this weekend is the play... and I have 2 weeks off before I have to usher again, so I have a little bit of a life for a little bit!

To people in love: You lucky lucky bastards. And it's adorable.

To people I'm mad at: I bet I still love you. Talk to me.

To people I haven't seen in a while: I miss you all millions!

To myself: I miss you! I wanna go to NY and stay there and leave this shit behind!

Okay no more schizo for tonight. g2g. Love to all cause love is good. Post comments!

Take Me or Leave Me

MAUREEN
A tiger in a cage
Can never see the sun
This diva needs her stage
Baby, let's have fun!
~*~"Take Me or Leave Me" RENT

Winding down... extremely slowly, as I'm barely posting once a week. Just got back from work a little while ago and felt like posting (and actually had time, !) so here I am. Before I get to the boring details of my life though, here are some poems (that way, if I run out of time, at least I haven't wasted it all on stuff you may already know).

{A few sentiments for our *cringe* president}

Acknowledging
In our society I see
That which has always been present
But never spoken of
A barrier, tearing a world apart
This barrier we must destroy
Nothing should deny an equality
That we fight for every day

Who are we, fools
To allow ignorance to rule
Our country is full of hate
Religious bias interfering
With a right that is unconditional
--10.7.04

Lessons
All people are created equal
That's what I learned in religion class
The Constitution demands equal rights for all
That's what I learned in history class
We can't control our hormones
That's what I learned in health class
Love is the most important thing to give and receive
That's what I learned in life
How can one man think he knows best?
Who is he, to define love?
If all people are created equal,
And we have equal rights,
And we can't control our hormones,
And love is the most important thing in the world,
Then how can we let anyone take that away?
--10.7.04

We the People
If I am an American
Then I have the right to safety
If I am an American
Then I have the right to freedom
If I am an American
Then I have the right to individuality
If I am an American
Then I have the right to choices
If I am an American
Then I have the right to equality
If I am an American
Then I have the right to love anyone I want.
--10.7.04

Ground Rules
A woman loves a woman
A man loves a man
Ignoring any gender
All that is left
Is love
A love that should
Be denied no right
Be embraced as beautiful
Be understood as equal
And be respected for love.
--10.7.04

Living or Lying
No one can tell me
What I want to do
No one can tell me
What I want to be
No one can tell me
How I want to live
So why should someone tell me
Who I want to love?
--10.25.04

{On to bigger and better things, I suppose}

The Wheels Turn
I watch the boy skate
As the busses line up
Though I don't know his name
I can't help but stare
Because I see the contrast
of the boy and the bus
He, so free as the
Prisons line up.
Those prisons soon to be filled
With schoolchildren
Forced into the chaotic din
And then forced out into the wind
In the place they must call home.
--11.3.04

Phobia
I love a girl
Who doesn't love me
Now wait a minute,
That's not true

She does love me
But not in the same way
It's a little confusing,
Isn't it?
--11.5.04

Johnny Says
Johnny says being
A "serious actor"
Is and oxymoron
Like "republican party"
Or "airplane food"

I think I agree.
--11.6.04

Pirate's Life
I see the smiles
On the children's faces
When they talk about their favorite movie.
The Pirate movie.
"Yo ho yo ho
A parrot's life for me."
They sing and laugh.
I smile
Because they can be happy
Even though they don't
Know the song.
And I wish I
Could make children happy
Too.
--11.6.04

Friends Anymore
When I get
Out of school
Everything changes
And I don't
Have friends
Anymore.
Because
We can't transcend
The void
From school friends
To real friends.
--11.6.04

{A few last thoughts...}

Creating Liberty
Your face bathed in the pale orange glow
A breeze slips between us
My hair blows about, trying to obscure my vision
I watch your fingers dance on the strings
Music floting from the guitar to the sky
Eyes have never witnessed such rapture
As you free the notes into the stars
Your eyes sparkle, reflecting your passion
Beauty flows from your soul into the night
A night made more precious by you.
--10.5.04

Fallen Heroine
She tried to hold up the world
But she failed and thousands died
Now she lives in exile
An unworthy savior
She walks away in disgrace,
Her red cape trailing on the ground
The shadow of a fallen heroine.
--10.13.04

Stepping Down
It's much too hard
To walk away
From the greatest thing in your life
Knowing there may
Never be
Something this wonderful again
Trying to hold on
Makes it
Slip away faster until
All that's left are negatives
But ignoring it
Makes it go
Away too.
--10.17.04

Double Entandra
Right in front of my eyes
You forget about me
And I'm ignored
Right to my face
You pretend I'm not even there
And I'm alone
If that's what you do right to my face
Or right in front of my eyes
I wonder what you're doing
Right behind my back
--10.22.04

Whew! Lots of typing. Okay well that's all for now. I haven't really been up to anything interesting, anyway. Just the usual school stuff, and work, and so on and so forth. Blah. *Dances away to the music in her head*

Happy New Year B

ANGEL
People, is this any way
To start a new year
Have compassion,
Benny just lost his cat

BENNY
My dog
But I appreciate that

ANGEL
My cat had a fall
And I went through hell

BENNY
It's like losin' a-
How did you know that she fell?
~*~"Happy New Year B" RENT

Okay, feel like posting some poems, because they've piled up since September. Let's see what's in the vault...

Relenquish
Keep away from the fraying edges
As your reality shrinks to nothing
Doomed on a dying island
With nowhere to go but drowning

Forgotten in the world of the sleeping
Is a safety net now left to the dead
Useless are all our defenses
Stay away from the lurking dawns

A sparkling in the distance
The blade of your final demise
Creeping forward, ever watching
Eternally the only one
--9.27.04

Swan Song
I'm sitting on a chair
In a barren, empty room
Listening to the raindrops
Falling on the window
There's a single light
Shining overhead

But suddenly the chair
Is on a fully furnished stage
And the raindrops are the applause
Of the audience above
The light has become brighter
As a spotlight on my face

Filled with the urge to perform
I jump up and begin to dance
Singing and acting, belting out a show
Like no one has seen before
And no one will see again

I finish the show
Exit the stage
Ready to come back for my bow
But when I pass by the curtain,
The audience is gone
And I'm left with a chair in a room in the rain.
--9.29.04

Voice Mail #3

MARK'S MOM
Mark, it's the wicked witch of the west
Your Mother
Happy new year from Scarsdale
We're all impressed that the riot footage
Made the nightly news
Even your father says "mazeltov"
Honey, call him
Love Mom
~*~ "Voice Mail #3" RENT

Agh suddenly nothing matters anymore and i don't remember what i was gonna say cause i'm tlaking to leslie who MET JOHNNY DEPP ON SATURDAY NIGHT.

end of post. more when i can think straight again (i.e. never)