Do You Know What it's Like?

MIKE: Do you know what it's like
To be in love with you,
To have my heart still love you
When my mind knows it's not true?
Do you know what it's like
To be in love with you,
Not to remember what my life was like
Before I first met you?
Do you know what it's like when I lie in bed
And I think of you and the things you've said,
How they're almost exactly all the things that I've said, too?
But there's one word missing and it comes before 'love?
And I think it doesn't matter, what we have is enough,
But what we have isn't in so I don't know what to do?
Oh, do you know?
STEVE: Do you know what it's like
Not to be in love with you,
Not to have my heart obey
What my mind wants to be true?
Do you know what it's like
Not to be in love with you,
But to like you, love you, cherish you,
idolize you and protect you?
Do you know what it's like to look into your eyes
And see what I know you don't see in mine
Though I pray it might be so the whole night through.
Do you know what it's like
to have to let go of your hand
and to start another life, a life I don't understand,
and live the rest of my life knowing how much I've hurt you?
Oh, do you know?
KATE: I know I'll never find your lovin' in anyone else,
Though I'll try'oh, and I'll try?
And I know I'll never find your smile in anyone else,
Though I'll try'oh, and I'll try?
ROBERTA: If someone were to come up to me
and say that they knew how
to love you better, I'd say,'Buddy,
step into the ring you're going down.?
I'd fight a guy for you. I'd fight a girl for you.
I'd fight myself, you know I would,
If I thought it'd do any good.
Oh, do you know?
STEVE: Do you know what it's like...not to be in love with you
MIKE: Do you know what it's like...to be in love with you
KATE: I know I'll never find your lovin' in anyone else
ROBERTA ...in anyone else
STEVE: not to have my heart obey what my mind wants to be true?
MIKE: oh...when my mind knows it's not true?
KATE: though I'll try... oh, and I'll try.
ROBERTA: ...though I'll try...oh, and I'll try.
STEVE: Do you know what it's like...not to be in love with you
MIKE: Do you know what it's like...to be in love with you
KATE: And I know I'll never find your smile in anyone else
ROBERTA: ...in anyone else
STEVE: but to like you, love you, cherish you, idolize you, and protect you?
MIKE: but to like...and love...
KATE: though I'll try... oh, and I'll try.
ROBERTA: ...though I'll try...oh, and I'll try.
STEVE: Do you know what it's like to look into your eyes
and to see what I know you don't see in mine
MIKE: Do you know what it's like when I lie in bed
KATE: If someone were to come...
ROBERTA: If someone were to come up to me and say that they knew how
STEVE: though I'd pray it might be so, the whole night through?
MIKE: and I think of you, and the things you've said?
KATE: and say they knew of love...
ROBERTA: to love you better, I'd say, 'Buddy, step into the ring you're going down.?
STEVE: Do you know what it's like to have to let go of your hand
and to start another life, a life I don't understand
MIKE: Well, there's one word not there, and it comes before love?...
KATE: I'd tell them it's not true...
ROBERTA: I'd fight a guy for you. I'd fight a girl for you.
STEVE: and live the rest of my life knowing how much I've hurt you?
MIKE: Does it matter? Is what we have enough?
KATE: No one can love like you.
ROBERTA: I'd fight myself you know I would if I thought it would do any good.
ALL: Oh, do you know?
K: How to look into your eyes...
STEVE: To let go of your hand...
ROBERTA: To start another life...
MIKE: I just don't understand.
~*~"Do You Know What it's Like?" Zanna, Don't!

I don't really have anything to say... but this picture is awesome! It makes me very very happy. :D

Love to all cause love is good!

Visits To You

Visits to you are suddenly new
Suddenly everything's sacred
I've been here before
Will I be here again
Please tell me you'll never be taken

Is this another time
Or is this the last time
How much more time
When will time take away
My visits to you

Living with this, holding your hand
Knowing I'll have to let go soon
Living right now and right now and right now
Knowing I'll soon be without you

Is this another time
Or is this the last time
How much more time
When will time take away
My visits

And when you go where you're going
Where will you be going
I know I'll keep going
On my visits to you

Is this another time
Or is this the last time
How much more time
When will time take away
My visits

Is this another time
Or is this the last time
How much more time
When will time take away
When will time take away
When will time take away
My visits to you
~*~"Visits to You" Anthony Rapp

In honor of Without You, his book that came out on Tuesday, and is an absolutely amazing piece of literature. I got my copy on Tuesday at 11:30pm, went to bed, and read, and read, and read. When I finished it was 6:30 in the morning. Time for school, no sleep. But it was so worth it.

Last night Molly, Jaime, and I went to his book signing in Oak Park. It was quite an experience...

When we got there, a woman who worked at the store was just starting to go over the rules (because there were a LOT of people there... the small store was packed). Right away we saw Jonathan standing just a little bit in front of us, who soon turned around and waved. After a few minutes of talking, Anthony emerged from wherever he had been hiding in the depths of the store office or something.

He said hi, and introduced what he was going to read (the chapter Glory), and then began... the store was silent as he read, and the air vibrated with the excitement from all of Anthony's fans. I think I was one of the few people there who had already read the book. He read with passion, causing me to tear up right there in the store. When he finished, there was an uproar of clapping, whistling, and yells. In his usual modest manner, he said thank you, and then opened the floor up to questions. People asked away, some questions good, some not so great, some I knew the answers to, and some I had thought of myself.

Then he sang. He sang into the returned silence, Seasons of Love, all by himself. No music, and no 14 voices singing with him. It was unbelievable surreal. I could not truly be hearing an OBC member of RENT singing live, in front of me, 10 years later... but it was true. His voice soared, all alone, through the bookstore. Again when he finished, the same applause and assorted other noise erupted.

Over the next hour and a half, we snaked our way around the store, waiting for our turn for Anthony to sign our books. In the meantime:
1. We met new friends who were standing in line near us, and talked about RENT and Anthony, trading crazy stories.
2. Molly and Jaime went to get us coffee from Starbucks down the street, while I held our place in line. (After being up for 36 hours, I needed some energy...)
3. I created a game, "Judge the Book by its Cover," that is very good to play in bookstores... I would pull a book (one with people on the cover: a photo, drawn, abstract people, whatever...), and we would tell the story of the people based on the title, taking no more than a minute on any one book. This kept us entertained for about an hour. Haha.
4. Listened to Anthony's CD Look Around or to RENT on my iPod

And finally, some time after 10 o' clock, we reach the front of the line, after over 2 1/2 hours of being in the bookstore... One man takes my book, asks my name, and makes sure it will be spelled right, and one man takes my camera. I step up to the table. The man on my right hands Anthony my book and tells him my name. I hand him an envelope. "This is for you." He smiles, and says thank you like he means it. He signs my book, and then I ask if I can do the tango picture. hehe. He teaches me how, and my picture is taken. As he sits back down at the table, I tell him the book is amazing, and thank you so much for writing it. He looks a little surprised I have it read already. I tell him how I stayed up the night before. He says "Did you have school today?" I laugh, and nod. "It was really just that amazing."

Molly and Jaime get their books signed and pictures taken. We talk for a moment so a couple of our new friends, say goodbye, and walk out into the cool night air that feels so good after being in a crowded bookstore for 3 hours. The night seems so alive as we walk back to the car... Wow. Wow and wow and wow.

Now I wait for (hopefully) April 29th... the RENT 10th anniversary concert!

Oh - the posted pic is him answering a question. The pic of me with him has to be developed tomorrow, and then will be posted! Woot!

Love to all cause love is good!

Always

Always

I’m up here on my own again
I’m always on my own
They don’t know anything at all
They see just what they want
Can’t they see I’m not really here
I’m back there with you

Chorus:
Flying away
Wish I could say
You will be there tomorrow
And always
Just have to do
Wish I could know
You will always remember me
Now and always

Turning my face away again
I’m always turned away
Wanting someone to talk it out
Without you always

Chorus 3x
~*~"Always" Anthony Rapp

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JONATHAN LARSON... Another internation RENThead day. Unfortunately I had to spend it doing homework. A lot of homework. Oh well. Lucky me, I still have more to do tomorrow! There's something to look forward to.

Yesterday I got my pictures from Sam's Club... lovely pics from Magi, Christmas, New Year's eve, and winter con. Good stuff. I'm just happy to have my Magi pictures. They make me very happy. Though sad at the same time... But happier than not, I think. lol.

So tomorrow I'm going to a super bowl party at the Bumba's house, like last year... I didn't even realize tomorrow was the super bowl until a couple days ago. As if I care... whatever. I will sit in Emily's room with Molly and Stephanie and do nothing, probably. Take pictures and stuff or something.

SCORE is in full prep for Spree and so now I'm busier than ever even though I'm not working on a show... The homework load is ridiculous, but such is life. Not really too much to talk about I guess.

La Vie Boheme, no day but today!

Someday You Might Love Me

Once upon a time
You'd all come to me
I'd do anything for you
Whatever it might be

Now you all point and laugh
You seem so amused
But I don't know what I have done
Help me... I'm confused

You clapped and cheered for me
The whole year through
And though so much has changed
I haven't... have you

I taught your hearts how to love
Your souls how to kiss
I taught you all that I know
I didn't teach you this

Someday you might love me
Someday you might care
Someday you might come and find me
And find that I'm not there

We gathered for a moment
And we laughed and cried and played
From now on the magic's gone
This is what it made

How can you look into me
And not see yourselves how
Man, woman, gay, straight
All things in between
I leave no one out

Someday you might love me
Someday you might care
Someday you might come and find me
And find that I'm not there

Someday you might come and find me
And find I'll still be there
~*~"Someday You Might Love Me" Zanna, Don't!



I love that show... the soundtrack is awesome. Well, it's very happy, but it's still rockin cool. lol. And this song is so sweet...

So I've gotten my color sample sheet and color wheel done! YAY! Though I STILL don't have my vignettes done. I need more time! This week I was sick and so when I was going to work on them I was sleeping, trying not to die. Damnit. So it's a good thing we have the fieldtrip tomorrow. I won't have to turn them in. And if I don't get them done this weekend, I'll give my teacher a homework pass on Monday... but none of you care about this. I'm just planning out loud. lol.

The con is tomorrow! I'm excited! Although apparently my best friends aren't going to be there. :( Sadness. Oh well. It will still be tons of fun. Oh wait! I just remembered Brendan will be there so that's fantabulous. ;) Hehe I love that word now. And I'm having fun with this picture thing... lol.

Anyway, it's getting late-ish and I have a permit test to take in about 8 hours, so I should PROBABLY get some sleep. hah.

Love to all cause love is good!

No Day But Today

Just wanted to post something: A post made by Anthony Rapp (original Broadway cast member, off-broadway, and film) on broadwayworld.com when the movie was just geting under way...

"After the reading, we had the peasant feast, which as most of you probably know is a continuation of a tradition that Jonathan started for his friends back in NYC. He would cook a turkey and they would bring side dishes and share a holiday feast that they were all too poor to have on their own. In 1995, Jonathan held his last peasant feast, but instead of inviting his friends, he invited the cast and artistic staff of the Off-Broadway production of Rent, because he wanted all of us to know our job was to embody his friends, to honor them, and he wanted all of us to begin our road to lifelong friendship. It was a very special night, and after his death, his family took it upon themselves to continue the tradition for all of the future companies of Rent that they could get to. They have literally held them around the country, and around the world.

And at the feast, in addition to some delicious food, each of Jonathan's six friends shared some memories of Jonathan, in an effort to bring him even that much more present. It was very moving to watch them struggle at times to get through their own tears as they talked about how special he was in their lives, about how much they had seen him fight to get his work out there in the world, about how much he did try to live each day to the fullest. His friend Eddie Rosenstein talked about their fellow obsession with numbers, especially the numbers three and nine, and how perfect they were: three is the emobodiment of the building blocks of the universe (beginning, middle, and end; proton, neutron, electron, etc.), and nine is the embodiment of rebirth (it's "three on steroids," as Eddie said, and the length of human gestation, etc.). Then he fought back tears as he remarked that wasn't it perfect that this film was starting almost exactly nine years to the day of Jonathan's death, given Jonathan's interest in such cosmic notions?

At the end of the night, we got to watch a little bit of video of Jonathan performing songs from his one-man version of Tick, Tick... Boom! It never ceases to amaze me how full of life and anger and joy and talent he was, and it was right up there on the screen for us to see. He sang Johnny Can't Decide, Sunday Brunch, and Why, and as usual I was pretty much destroyed by the end of Why. It is such a cruel irony that he was gone right at the cusp of his life changing forever, after he gave so much of his life to his work. But his legacy will certainly live forever in people's hearts and memories, and now with the film, we have the opportunity to make it last longer, in an even more tangible way. We only get to do the film once, and Chris said to the Larsons that he promises to make a great film, and I am certain that he wouldn't make such a pledge if he didn't mean it."

Boho Days

Don't step on Samone
Over knowin' Phillipe
They're still on the living room floor, asleep
Flight was delayed
But they got it so cheap
In Amsterdam

The cat jumped up
From the fire escape
He's a little shook up
But he don't have a scrape
Climb up to the roof
Let's make a crepe
You bring the jam

This is the life, bo bo, bo bo bo
This is the life, bo bo, bo bo bo
This is the life, bo bo, bo bo bo
Bohemia

Shower's in the kitchen
There might be some soap
Dishes in the sink
Brush your teeth, if you can cope
Toilettes in the closet
You better hope
There's a light bulb in there, bo bo bo

Dino called yesterday
The rent is overdue
Connet and New York Telephone, are mad too
Better screen the calls for a day or two
Or cough up your share

This is the life, bo bo, bo bo bo
This is the life, bo bo, bo bo bo
This is the life, bo bo, bo bo bo
Bohemia

Revolving door roommates
Prick up your ears
Fourteen people in just four years
Anna, Max and Jonathan
And Jonathan and Cary
David, Tim, no Tim was just a guest
From June to January
Margaret, Lisa, David, Susie,
Stephen, Joe and Sam
And Elsa, the bill collector's dream
Is still on the lam

Don't forget the neighbors
Michelle and Gay
More like a family
Than a family, hey
The cat's: Lucy, Mr. Beeb
Bouncer, rest his soul
And Vinster, who took one look
And stayed for days down in that hole.

This is the life, bo bo, bo bo bo
This is the life, bo bo, bo bo bo
This is the life, bo bo, bo bo bo
Bohemia

The garbage trucks
Have turned into limousines
Rat infested diners
Now are fancy restaurants
The gallery opens
You know what that means
There goes the neighborhood
Here come the debutantes

But at 508 the halls
Are still that dingy brown
508, the walls are cracked or falling down
508, we all know the day it changes
Is the day we all should blow this town

The time is flying
And everything is dying
I thought by now
I'd have a dog, a kid, and wife
The ship is sort of sinking
So let's start Drinking
Before we start thinking
Is this a life?

Is this a life?, bo bo, bo bo bo
Is this a life?, no no, no no no
Is this a life?, bo bo, bo bo bo
Bohemia
Bohemia
Bo-he-mi-a
Bo, bo, bo, bo
~*~"Boho Days" Tick, Tick... BOOM! Jonathan Larson

Today is a RENThead holiday. It is the (10th) anniversary of Jonathan Larson's untimely passing. Today we must remember the amazing legacy he left us, along with the challenge presented to everyone who hears the message of RENT: live each day as if it were your last - a celebration of love, life, and friends.

Boho Days though, as you can see, is from a show he wrote prior to RENT called Tick, Tick... BOOM! which is also awesome. I picked this song because on the soundtrack, it is sung by Jonathan himself, which makes it very fun and at the same time very sad.

Anyway, today is a day of reflection, and I must depart to reflect. Or rather, to do my homework, and then reflect. The rest of the day shall be spent listening to Jonathan's music, doing homework, and reading the RENT bible.

Jonathan Larson, in a statement written shortly before his death and found on his computer: In these dangerous times, where it seems that the world is ripping apart at the seams, we all can learn how to survive from those who stare death squarely in the face every day and [we] should reach out to each other and bond as a community, rather than hide from the terrors of life at the end of the millenium.

Thank you, Jonathan Larson.

Room to Breathe

I still take you to bed
But it's the you I'd face instead
Wher eI use every word I never said
To crack you open
There was barely room to breathe
Getting the skeptic to believe
The the goal wasn't to leave
One of us broken

If it's true nothing gets close to you
For fear of melting down
Then I've become the chosen one
The example for the crowd

Your star is due for shooting
And I'll be watching the night sky
In hopes by then
What binds us has come untied

I'm the tune of a lesser band
Sea legs on dry land
Thinking how you forfeited your hand
To keep us from winning
I watch them orbiting around you now
Just like you showed them how
And you reach out like the hand of god
A tap will keep them spinning

If it's true they flock to you
Without your shepard's call
For a change just let them range
And see how far you fall

Your star is due for shooting
And I'll be watching the night sky
In hopes by then
What binds us has come untied

Can I take it back?
Can I take it back now?

It's what the loss of our friends brings
It's in the way you held my strings
It's now all the little things
I can't help but doubt
Sometimes I wish I'd never known
Just how brilliantly you shone
Right before you threw the stone
To cast me out
~*~"Room to Breathe" Anthony Rapp

I love his cd... omg. Wow. He's so talented... I can't wait for his book!

Nothing much going on here as always. We're in the middle of ART, which will run for another weekend. It's an interesting show, really. And it's short. YAY.

I have plenty of homework I should be doing this weekend, but I'm not feeling well right now so I'm not going to try and concentrate on something like the law of independent assortment or something. Ugh. Not fun at all. I will be very glad when this year is over and there will be no more biology, and quite possibly no more math. (Trigonometry is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. ewww.)

So over the past week Amazon has been very good to me... I got my Anthony Rapp cd, Hedwig (the movie), Zanna, Don't! (soundtrack), and last week I got Open House. Today I also got an e-mail that I have a movie and the RENT bible on the way. I love the internet. Woo. lol.

Okay I guess I don't really have a lot to say. I should go try and do something productive. Maybe.

Love to all cause love is good!

Losing My Religion

Life is bigger
It’s bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I’ve said too much
I set it up

That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don’t know if I can do it
Oh no I’ve said too much
I haven’t said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I’m
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I’ve said too much
I set it up

Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I’ve said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
~*~"Losing my Religion" R.E.M.

In honor of Anthony Rapp, whose awesomeness only continues to increase in every waking moment. He's doing a book signing in Oak Park on February 8th! I'm going with Jaime and Molly... so excited. He's going to read from his book, sign stuff, and sing a couple songs from RENT. I'm sure it will be another wonderful night of memories with Anthony.

Not too much going on. 3 day weekend. ART opened last night. Counting down the days until I get to go see Anthony... and until the DVD comes out, and I go see the show, and Jaime and I *hopefully* go to NY for the 10th anniversary concert. We've found out how the lotto works, so there is hope for us yet!

My dvd Open House came yesterday. It's quite a crazy musical with Anthony Rapp. The song Fantabulous has been stuck in my head all fucking day and it's getting slightly annoying. But whatever.

Zanna, Don't! has not arrived yet. Now I will have to wait until Tuesday because there is no mail tomorrow because it will be Sunday and no mail Monday because it is MLKJ day. Yay for no school Boo for no mail. Though postal workers deserve days off too. They are people just like the rest of us.

A quote: "Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable with two men holding guns than holding hands?" Earnest Gaines

Ponder that. I now leave you to your evening. I am off to stretch. No one is home so I can dance with the music turned up.

Love to all cause love is good.

Remember Tomorrow

Unchain the colours before my eyes,
Yesterday's sorrows, tomorrow's white lies.
Scan the horizon, the clouds take me higher,
I shall return from out of fire.

Tears for rememberance, and tears for joy,
Tears for somebody and this lonely boy.
Out in the madness, the all seeing eye,
Flickers above us, to light up the sky.

Unchain the colours before my eyes,
Yesterday's sorrows, tomorrow's white lies.
Scan the horizon, the clouds take me higher,
I shall return from out of fire.
~*~"Remember Tomorrow" Iron Maiden

Oh shit. I had something to say and now I forgot. Damn! Well maybe I'll think of it. In the mean time, I'll ramble, as I am so apt to do.

Today is my last free day. Tomorrow I go back to school. So today I am home by myself, just posting on messageboards and such. I'm also taking some time to dance, and stretch, and do other things I rarely have time for.

I went back to work on Satuday and met the cast of ART. It's a very interesting show, quite inellectual in nature with lots of big words and a structure that makes you think. I got to see Judy and Bernie, my theatre parents (Golde and Tevye in Fiddler this summer). I also met David Perkovich, who I have seen perform before, and Dan La Morte, who works out of the country and in New York. He seems entertaining, which I guess is good for an actor. We also have a new intern named Leah. She's 20 and is hoping of transferring to Columbia, which is cool.

I really wish I could remember what I was going to say but it is totally lost on me and I'm finding it extremely frustrating. AGGGH. I hate it when this happens. It's going to bug me until I remember, which will probably happen like in the middle of dance tonight or something, and then I'll forget again by the time I come home. Fuck.

So I'm about to order a copy of Anthony as Hedwig... I'm so excited! That is something I really want to see. Then later I'm going to get the OBC of RENT. OMG. *die* lol.

I want it to be March. I want to go see RENT. Oh well. At least it's less than 2 months away, and February is short, so really it's not that far off...

Ok I give up. I officially can't remember right now and this post is going to hell. I'm off to dance some more. Anthony Rapp is on Law and Order tonight! How exciting!

Love to all cause love is good!

Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of

I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake, the colours that you bring
But the nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I still listen through your ears, and through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough, and you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now... my oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Oh love look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep...
I wasn't jumping... for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now
You're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass
~*~"Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of" U2

I have decided this will be the Year of Abundance. In all respects, I mean. Abundance of a lot of things, not just money. Like an abundance of opportunities, and taking those opportunies, love, health and success.

So I go back to school on Tuesday. But tomorrow I will be on by myself. Oh well. fine by me. I have to go do some stuff now. I'll post again later maybe.

Love to all cause love is good!

Hope

You want to go out Friday
And you want to go forever.
You know that it sounds childish
That you've dreamt of alligators.
You hope that we are all with you
And you hope that you're recognized
You want to go forever
You see it in my eyes.
I'm lost in the confusion
And it doesn't seem to matter
You really can't believe it
And you hope it's getting better.

You want to trust the doctors
Their procedure is the best
But the last try was a failure
And the intern was a mess.
They did the same to Matthew
And he bled 'til Sunday night
They're saying don't be frightened
But you're weakened by the sight of it
You lock into a pattern
And you know that it's the last ditch
You're trying to see through it
And it doesn't make sense
But they're saying don't be frightened
And they're killing alligators
And they're hog-tied
And accepting of the struggle

You want to trust religion
And you know it's allegory
But the people who are followers
Have written their own story.
So you look up to the heavens
And you hope that it's a spaceship
And it's something from your childhood
Your thinking don't be frightened

You want to climb the ladder
You want to see forever
You want to go out Friday
And you want to go forever.
And you want to cross your DNA
To cross your DNA with something reptile.
And you're questioning the sciences
And questioning religion
You're looking like an idiot
And you no longer care.
And you want to bridge the schism,
The built in mechanism to protect you.
And you're looking for salvation
And you're looking for deliverance
You're looking like an idiot
And you no longer care.
You want to climb the ladder
You want to see forever.
You want to go out Friday
You want to go forever.
~*~"Hope" REM

So the other day I was up really late (surprise surprise) and I started thinking a lot about life (surprise again). I was thinking about how my whole life is focused on my dreams. If something happens and I can't go after those dreams, what will I have? What would my life be about, or what would I be worth? Nothing. That is a dangerous place to be in.

My greatest fear: losing my dreams, or failing in achieving them.

You're dying in America... leave your conscience at the tone...

I was gonna say more but I don't feel like it right now. More later tonight probably.

Just tell Maureen you forgot her cowbell because you were busy getting high. She'll understand.

Love to all cause love is good!

See Her Smile

It's not you, she says
It's just that life's so hard
We all get through, I say
Hang on tight
I'll be your bodyguard

Something's breakin' my baby's heart
Something's breakin' my baby's heart
Something's breakin' my baby's heart
Oh, oh, I just wanna see her smile

It's such a drag, she says
When the world's so mean
It's just a red flag, I say
Gotta look for the green

Oh, oh, oh
Something's breakin' my baby's heart
Something's breakin' my baby's heart
Something's breakin' my baby's heart
Oh, oh, I just wanna see her smile

Cynical town can be tough on an angel
Clip her wings baby, one, two, three
I'm her clown cause I laugh at
Angels richer than kings
Oh, baby, don't you see?
Baby, don't you agree?

Wish I knew why, she says
But on a sunny day, I find the rain
Let's give it a try, I say
We can dance all through the pain

Something's breakin' my baby's heart
Something's breakin' my baby's heart
Something's breakin' my baby's heart

Oh, oh
Oh,oh
Oh,oh
Ooooh, oh, oh
I just wanna see her smile
I just wanna see her smile
I just wanna see her smile
I just wanna see her
Just wanna see her...smile
~*~"See Her Smile" Tick, Tick... BOOM!

Ok so I saw RENT yesterday and today, and I'm going to see it again tomorrow. So I'll be at a 7 time total. I checked out the RENT bible today, and was rereading some of it. I'm in a whole new perspective now, after seeing the movie and really after meeting Anthony Rapp. I didn't think it was possible, but RENT means even more to me now than it did before.

I sense this turning into a total RENT post...
1. RENT dvd coming out February 7
2. Without You by Anthony Rapp coming out February 21
3. Going to see RENT the live production on March 1
4. Going to see RENT the live production when the tour comes through April 5-15 with friends from Compulsive Bowlers, a RENT message boards
5. HOPEFULLY (taking lots of effort, money, and planning, and more money) going to the RENT 10th anniversary concert on April 24th. Jaime and I have lots of work to do

This is pretty much all I have to say. Check Wicked Little Town for new poems. I updated it yesterday.

Quick quote: "There is only one you for all time. Be fearlessly yourself." Anthony Rapp

Love to all cause love is good!

Resolutions

So I'll make new year's resolutions this year, and maybe for once they will actually be for real. We talked about these a bit last night, so we'll see what I can remember.

If you have your own resolutions, post a comment telling me.

1. be able to do the splits
2. get over the person who hurt me so much last year
3. keep a good relationship with my little brother
4. have a really awesome new year's party next year
5. have someone to kiss at new year's
6. keep straight a's
7. go to interlochen this summer
8. go to the RENT 10th anniversary concert in new york on april 24th

That's all I have for now. More later if I can think of anything else.

Love to all cause love is good!

Louder than Words

Jonathan:
Why do we play with fire?
Why do we run our finger through the flame?
Why do we leave our hand on the stove-
Although we know we're in for some pain?

Oh, why do we refuse to hang a light
When the streets are dangerous?
Why does it take an accident
Before the truth gets through to us?

Cages or wings?
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds.

Fear or love, baby?
Don't say the answer
Actions speak louder than words.

Michael:
Why should we try to be our best
When we can just get by and still gain?
Why do we nod our heads

Michael and Jonathan:
Although we know

Michael:
The boss is wrong as rain?

Jonathan:
Why should we blaze a trail
When the well worn path seems safe and
Jonathan and Susan:
So inviting?

Susan:
How-as we travel, can we

Susan and Jonathan:
See the dismay-
And keep from fighting?

Jonathan:
Cages or wings?
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds

Michael and Susan:
Cages or wings?

Ah...

All:
Fear or love, baby?
Don't say the answer

Jonathan
Actions speak louder than words

Michael and Susan:
Louder than, louder than

Jonathan:
What does it take
To wake up a generation?

All:
How can you make someone
Take off and fly?

Jonathan
If we don't wake up
And shake up the nation
We'll eat the dust of the world
Wondering why

Michael and Susan:
Why

Susan
Why do we stay with lovers

Susan and Jonathan:
Who we know, down deep

Susan:
Just aren't right?

Jonathan:
Why would we rather

All:
Put ourselves through hell
Than sleep alone at night?

Jonathan:
Why do we follow leaders who never lead?

Michael:
Why does it take catastrophe to start a revolution?

Michael and Susan
If we're so free, tell me why?

Jonathan:
Someone tell me why
So many people bleed?

Jonathan:
Cages or wings?
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds.

Michael and Susan:
Cages or wings?

Ah...

All:
Fear or love, baby?
Don't say the answer.

Jonathan:
Actions speak louder than

Michael and Susan:
Louder than, louder than
Louder than, louder than

All:
Cages or wings?
Which do you prefer?

Jonathan:
Ask the birds

Michael and Susan:
Ah...

All:
Fear or love baby?
Don't say the answer

Jonathan:
Actions speak louder than

Michael and Susan:
Louder than, louder than, ooh

Jonathan:
They speak louder
Actions speak louder than...

Michael and Susan:
Louder than, louder than, aah

All:
Words
~*~"Louder than Words" Tick, Tick... Boom!, Jonathan Larson

Happy New Year!!! So it's 2006. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem all that exciting. Not too much interesting going on over here today. Just hanging out at home like any other day. Was over at Molly's last night with Jaime, and Jaime spent the night but Molly had to stay at her house.

I guess I don't have a lot new to say since the last time I posted. I will post a new year's resolution list though before the day is over. As if anyone is reading this, watch for it.

A quote:
One must not lose desires. They are mighty stimulants to creativeness, to love, and to long life.
~Alexander A. Bogomoletz

Love to all cause love is good!

Why I Hate Teenagers (Warning: Rant may occur)

Say one thing they don't like and suddenly you're their worst enemy.

They are stereotyped (such as I'm doing now, I suppose. sorry)

They all think they're better than you. Or that you're no different from them. Or, more likely, too different from them.

If you're not like all other teenagers, you have to work even harder, not just because you're different, but to bear all the stereotypes people try to place on you. I do not like being "in style" and my eyes must not be "glued to the tv" whenever there's a hot guy on.

Being different, caring about different things, it's too hard to relate to teenagers. I think about different things I talk a different way. I don't want the same kind of relationship with a guy or girl that they all want.

Their crap is taking over my tv. what happened to quality?

They always say they want to talk to you, but then they never actually do unless they have something they want to complain about. But there's nothing there if you want to talk about anything.

Q: Can I please talk about something serious without it turning into a sex joke?
A: No.

Q: why do i know what i want to do with my future and yet seem stuck here with no direction?
A:... something to do with teenagerdom.

Teenagers could take a course in "nothing is so funny it needs to be shoulted in the halls"

I am stuck taking classes I don't want to take so I can go to college. Unfortunately, so are other people, who don't have the same college plans i do. Let the "shut the fuck up" fest inside my head begin

There is no way for me to explain to teenagers how I feel about anything. I relate to people who are about 10 years older than me at least. I love them all, but it's hard to hang out with them a lot. They have lives. The kind of life I want to have where things get done that matter.

Ignorance is a teenager's best friend. And my worst enemy.

You are not invincible. And we can hear you at about 50 decibles lower than the voice you speak at.

One word: fickle.
GET OVER IT. MOVE ON.

They always try to make you feel like you're not good enough. Are you?

If I'm Dreaming my Life

Was she never there/here?
Was she ever?
Was it air she breathed?

At the wrong time
Oh-oh
Oh-oh

All the flowers so
From the gallery
With the hymns of night
Singing "Come to Me"

CHORUS
At the wrong time
On the wrong day
All the lights are fading now
If I'm dreaming all my life (x2 second time)

Just one living chance
When the mother sighs
When the father steps aside
At the wrong time
Oh-oh

VERSE (here)

CHORUS
Was she ever?
Was she ever here?
If I'm dreaming all my life
If I'm dreaming all my life away

Dreaming my life
Dreaming my
Dreaming my
Dreaming my
Dreaming my life
Dreaming my life away
Oh-oh

REPEAT
Dreaming my life
Dreaming my
Dreaming my life away
Oh-oh
~*~"If I'm Dreaming my Life" David Bowie

So I'm in the hotel in Souix City Iowa on my way back home. This new computer is pretty awesome. Not too much to say, just checking in. I'm not sure how our internet will be working when we get home, so I gotta get on now while I can. Today was nothing but a long day in the car. Tomorrow shall be the same. It's often good writing ispiration though.

Just in case you missed it, I posted some new poems and stuff. Click Wicked Little Town in my links. Lemme know what you think. All for now.

Love to all cause love is good!

The Gifts of the Magi

And though I will not swear a vow
That all I tell is true
I swear it all could happen now
To you

I can stop a clock
Make the sun appear
Fill a city block
Freeze a single tear

Are we fact arew we myth
We will answer you with
Just one
Look and you will see
Hope is all aglow
Dreams of what can be
Settle like the snow
You're about to know
Of the gifts of the magi.
~*~"Gifts of the Magi"

In honor of a cute show and an amazingly talented and loving cast... Gifts of the Magi is the show I was working on this past month or so. It's hard to believe I met those 6 people (well, I already knew some of them) all of 6 weeks ago. I feel so close to them now. I miss them all a lot.

So for those of you who don't know, I'm in South Dakota visiting my grandparents for the holidays. I will, however, be leaving tomorrow so as to be home in time for New Year's Eve partying. *no promises of innocence*

Got my new apple powerbook last week, it is amazing and a great releif. That old computer (almost 6 years guys, depressing) was driving me insane. It couldn't do anything. Even the connection to the printer was screwed up. Ugh. But the new one is fabulous. It's nice to actually be able to use iTunes now. My iPod became my best friend on this trip.

Very glad to be on break, finally. Finals went ok. I set the curve for my chemistry and ap bio finals, of all things, and as far as I can tell, should be keeping my straigt A record. I really didn't think I was going to pull it off this semester. But now, nothing to worry about for 2 1/2 weeks. Except the bio homework and history project and english assignment. Whatever. They're all half done. Car time is an amazing thing... All 1000 miles of it on the way here, and starting tomorrow 1000 miles back. I've started writing and interesting bit of philosophy of my own; I'm not sure how much sense it makes, but whatever. Feels good. Inspired by the journal Scott gave me, so thanks for that.

This may or may not be my last post for 2005. I hope to at least post on New Year's Eve, but we'll see what condition I'm in. I'm psyched for some fun. lol. Ok well much much love to all. Hope you had a great year! BTW/FYI I posted some new poems and stuff... click the Wicked Little Town link to check it out.

Love to all cause love is good!

Turnin Time Around

She says, what do you call love
well I call it Harry
Oh, please I'm being serious
what do you call love
Well I don't call it family and I don't call it lust
and as we all know marriage isn't a must
And I suppose in the end, it's a matter of trust
if I had to I'd call love time
She says, what do you call love
can't you be more specific
What do you call love
is it more than the heart's hieroglyphic
Well for me time has no meaning, no future, no past
and when you're in love, you don't have to ask
There's never enough time to hold love in your grasp
turning time around
Turning time around
that is what love is
Turning time around
yes, that is what love is
My time is your time when you're in love
and time is what you never have enough of
You can't see or hold it, it's exactly like love
Turning time around
turning time around
Turning time around
turning time around
Turning time around
well I gotta have it
I gotta-gotta-gotta have it
Turning, turning time around
gotta have it, turning time around
Turning, turning time around
turning time around
~*~"Turning Time Around" Lou Reed

So... it's late. Or early. I don't know. I've been up a very long time. My mom, grandma, and I were at Khol's at 4:55 this morning, waiting for the doors to open. We shopped for about 5 hours. Lots of fun, and I got lots of stuff, but I am very tired. I don't know why I'm still up. My parents are out at Matt's gig (they all went in a limo with freinds and stuff...). My brother is sleeping. I've been online way too long.

RENT was absolutely amazing. Anthony Rapp is the coolest ever. He's very chill and interestinff and friendly. (Not to mention adorable.) Jaime and Molly and I had tons of fun, along with a couple new people we met, Jonathan and Jess, and her twin Jen. They go on the same Rent site I do, so it's good fun. We all live in the same general area, and we're going to go see the show together when it comes in April.

Not too much else to write about. I have to get some sleep... lots of homework left to do over the weekend, and I have work tomorrow and stuff. Ah, so much to do, as always. More later.

Love to all cause love is good!

Tear Me Down

I was born on the other side
Of a town ripped in two
I made it over the great divide
Now I'm coming for you

Enemies and adversaries
They try and tear me down
You want me baby, I dare you
Try and tear me down

I rose from off of the doctor's slab
Like Lazarus from the pit
Now everyone wants to take a stab
And decorate me
With blood, graffiti and spit

Enemies and adversaries
They try to tear me down
You want me, baby, I dare you
Try and tear me down

On August 13, 1961,
A wall was erected
Down the middle of the city of Berlin
The world was divided by a cold war
And the Berlin Wall
Was the most hated symbol of that divide
Reviled, graffitied, spit upon
We thought the wall would stand forever
And now that it's gone
We don't know who we are anymore
Ladies and gentlemen
Hedwig is like that wall
Standing before you in the divide
Between East and West
Slavery and freedom
Man and woman
Top and bottom
And you can try and tear her down
But before you do
You must remember one thing--

There ain't much of a difference
Between a bridge and a wall
Without me right in the middle, babe
You would be nothing at all

Enemies and adversaries
They try and tear me down
You want me, baby, I dare you
Try and tear me down
~*~"Tear Me Down" Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Ahh, John Cameron Mitchell and Stephen Trask are geniuses.

Not a whole lot new since the other day... Had a dentist appointment today, found out I had my first cavity ever (damn braces). Novicane and a filling... weird stuff. No more of that, thank you. Ended up meaining no eating for 4 hours, for a total of no eating for 8 hours.

Braces coming off on Monday!!! HOORAY!!! OMG so exciting.

Going to see Rent in like... 4 days. Holy shit. It will be so fucking amazing. ahhh! Anthony Rapp is so awesome. He was in Hedwig too... Man, he can't get much better than that.

But anywho. It's time to go to bed... history test tomorrow. Enjoy my new fabulous blog... all Hediwg-and-Rentified! LOL. Plastic bedsheets... it's a tablecloth for your bed!

Love to all cause love is good!

Wicked Little Town

You know, the sun is in your eyes
And hurricanes and rains
and black and cloudy skies.

You're running up and down that hill.
You turn it on and off at will.
There's nothing here to thrill
or bring you down.
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
through the dark turns and noise
of this wicked little town.

Oh Lady, luck has led you here
and they're so twisted up
they'll twist you up. I fear.

the pious, hateful and devout,
you're turning tricks til you're turned out,
the wind so cold it burns,
you're burning out and blowing round.
And if you've got no other choice
you know you can follow my voice
through the dark turns and noise
of this wicked little town.

The fates are vicious and they're cruel.
You learn too late you've used two wishes
like a fool

and then you're someone you are not,
and Junction City ain't the spot,
remember Mrs. Lot
and when she turned around.
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
through the dark turns and noise
of this wicked little town.
~*~"Wicked Little Town" Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Hey guys! It's my half birthday today! And what a day it has been! But we'll get back to the school day interesting stuff later. Right now I have the most interesting thing to talk about!

Jaime and Molly and I are going to see Anthony Rapp at a RENT screening on November 19th. HOLY FUCK. Like, just yesterday Jaime and I found out about this thing in New York.. a screening of Hedwig, and John Cameron Mitchell was going to be there. So last night we were like... shit we gotta pray our asses off tonight, to whatever gods it takes. And so we did. And no, we are not going to see JCM right now. But instead we were sent this... Anthony Rapp (who was in Hedwig and one point, holy shit), and RENT, which we haven't seen yet. OMG we are so fucking excited. Dude it's going to be amazing. Seriously you people have no IDEA how excited I am right now.

Okay on to other exciting things of today. For now that I think about it, it has been quite the day. Went on a Spanish field trip. Bus ride. Bio homework with Josh. On bus for long time. Toured Pilsen neighborhood. Cold weather. Amazing murals. Mexican Fine Arts Museum. Toured exhibits. Cool ofrendas. Amazing work called Death Trinity. Chipotle. Ate food. Really good burrito bol. Really squished booth of 6 people. Bus home. More bio homework with Josh. On bus for even longer time.

Drama class. Antigone. Twice. Know lines *yay*. No stupid improv *yay*. Library. Renewed Hedwig. Got Tarnation. Back to theatre. Dinner with Liz. Turn on theatre lights. Place props. Turn of backstage light. In office. Alan Ball at show *yay yay yay*. Go visit in theatre. Set up for intermission. Look at pictures on google. Dead actors Etel thinks are hot. Old boyfriends now famous. Liz sick. Leaves. Talk to Alan at intermission. Love him. Smile. Intermission over. Hugs and kisses w/ Alan. Put away pop and candy. Leave theatre. Think how depressing it is man over 40 makes me so happy. More depressing I spend so much time with 70 something lady. Home. Still here. Have not magically flown to hip New York theatre scene.

Online. Brother and friend playing videogames. IM. Jaime and Molly. Interlochen site. Rent tickets. Ryan Rudolph. Song I can't download. Blog. Emptiness. Hollow despite blog of wonderfulness. Still 15. And a half. Still in love. With worlds that don't love back.

Love to all cause love is good!